


Won't Be Far ( There You Are )

by dandeloniie



Category: Taynew, Thai Actor RPF, offgun, จูบให้ได้ถ้านายแน่จริง เร็วๆนี้ | Kiss Me Again: The Series (TV) RPF, ทฤษฎีจีบเธอ | Theory of Love (TV), รักไม่ระบุสถานะ | Dark Blue Kiss (TV), รุ่นพี่ Secret Love | Senior Secret Love (TV) RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Childhood Friends, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Roommates/Housemates, Coming Out, Family Issues, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Other Ships Not Mentioned in Tags, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, student!Gun, workingadults!OffArm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-15
Updated: 2021-01-30
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:15:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 40,321
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25278334
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dandeloniie/pseuds/dandeloniie
Summary: "You'll always have me — us. And all we want is for you to do what you dream of."16-year-old Off is rash and reckless. An idiot who mindlessly gets them in trouble for stupid things.24-year-old Off is dependable and thoughtful. Still an idiot who learned to say things like that. A sturdy foundation that Gun leans on when he feels lost.or;Off, Arm and Gun are childhood friends for 8 years. Roommates for 4 years. While the older two smoothly transitions into adulthood, Gun struggles to find his own pace. Afraid that he won't be able to keep up to them.
Relationships: Off Jumpol Adulkittiporn/Gun Atthaphan Phunsawat
Comments: 35
Kudos: 116





	1. The Patron Saint of Missed Opportunities

There's too much noise for an 8 AM in the morning on the campus. 

It makes Gun inevitably grumpy. Normally, he likes the noise and festivities but being there on such an early time makes him want to scream for some reason. Using a fan he snatched from Mook earlier to shield the sun, he tiredly follows Ssing and her. Originally, Gun came to school early to help Mook and Ssing with their history paper. He doesn't really accept meetings at an early time because he's a late riser. Still, both Juniors had begged him on the phone. Constantly calling him until he says yes. He ended up agreeing with the condition that they will buy him breakfast for his service. The two wholeheartedly agreed. Even promising to be in their best behavior in their session. The only problem is Gun miscalculated the dates and forgotten that today is February 12th. The first day of the Valentines' Fair. When he got to the library at 7:30, Mook and Ssing are already bouncing with excitement. Telling him that they should reschedule because it's better to check out the booths early. 

Now, he's here. Weak to the younger's requests. Following them like a chaperone of toddlers in Disney. 

Gun is already preoccupied looking at the photobooth across where he stands — the decors are eye-catching in the weirdest way, sporting what seems like the most realistic baby cupid that Gun saw his whole life when Mook suddenly squeals. Making Gun flinch as her high-pitched voice reached his ears. 

"There's a cotton candy booth!" She exclaims with joy. Hanging onto his arm to shake him. Ssing only looks at her with confusion before searching for the said booth. Gun glares at her but she doesn't seem to mind. "The cotton candy booth had been there all year round," He deadpans. Untangling her hold on him. It's too early for him to get a headache. "I know," she said pouting. "But they have a heart-shaped design today!" Mook insisted more. Now, smacking his arm hard. Gun suddenly regrets his earlier actions. He should've just let her shake him than to be on the receiving end of her heavy hands. He feels more awake now though. The stinging in his arms reminding him of the mess that he got himself into. 

_He should've just slept in today._

Ssing, who seems to witness his inner turmoil looks at him apologetically. Suggesting that they should just go at the booth than idle in front of the building under the sun. When Mook marches gleefully to the booth, Gun took it as a signal to leave. Maybe he can still sleep for a few hours in his apartment. His first-class is at 2 PM. There isn't a certainty that Gun can sleep because Off, _one of his roommates_ , wakes up at 8 for his 9 AM work and he's extra loud in the morning. However, Gun prefers to be with Off's presence than to be with his overbearing students. He just doesn't possess the same energy they carry now. He feels like an old man. 

When Ssing takes a step to follow his friend, Gun also slowly retreats to the building to get his belongings. The only problem is that Ssing noticed. The younger quickly follows his steps, holding his head to put into a headlock. 

"You promised to accompany us, Gun!" He says playfully. Ruffling his hair. From an outsider's view, Ssing looks more like the 3rd year student between the two of them. He blames it on Ssing's late growth spurt. As far as he remembers, he wasn't that tall when he was a freshman. Now, Gun's dignity as a senior had slowly vanished. All of his students look a lot taller than he is. 

"Fine." he elbows the younger. "I'll go with you. Just release me." When Ssing did, he smacks his shoulders too ala Mook fashion. Glaring at him as the sophomore laughs. "You're not a freshie anymore. Why do the two of you need me to accompany you around?" He asks as they start to walk to Mook. The girl is already at the booth. Chatting with a conflicted-looking vendor. "Because you know a lot of people. Maybe we can get a discount." Ssing waves happily at Mook when she spotted them. "The fares are already cheap. What discount do you still want?" he replies, incredulously. As someone who had been going to the fair since he's a senior in high school, the fares are more affordable now. When he first visited, Off and Arm had to pay for him because as the older and more responsible college students, they have to take care of their broke high school student friend. 

"Also, you know many seniors across different clubs. It's much easier to interact with them if we're with you."

"That's partly because of my friends. Off and Arm are kinda famous around the campus." Gun hands the fan to Ssing. Reaching for his hair to fix it. "I used to follow them around when I first attended different campus events. It's easier with them." with that, Sing only gives him a knowing look. Probably the one that says, _it's your turn now to take care of new students_. A few moments of walking passed and they eventually joined Mook who feeds them both a handful of cotton candy before beckoning them to check on the other booths. 

"Anyway, since you've mentioned them before, will Off and Arm come to the fair this year?" 

Mook joins the conversation adding, "Yeah, they haven't missed a single campus activity even when Off already graduated."

Gun shrugs. Thinking of the other two. " I'm not sure. We planned on going today but Arm said that he has something to do at his office. There's also a slim chance that he'll be free for the next two days."

Mook looks dejected at Arm's absence. Making Ssing question why. 

"I want to hang out with him. The last time I saw him he told me that he always sees the _Bouquet Guy_ at the fair."

"Gun always sees him too though. I was with him and Off when we came across _Bouquet Guy_ last year."

"What? Where am I that time?" she asks loudly. Feeling wronged by the two. "You were busy at the theatre org. Arm was one of the people who did the talk at that time."

Gun stayed silent throughout their discussions about the _Bouquet Guy_ sightings. He doesn't really feel any particular thrill seeing the guy on the campus. Unlike the younger students, he didn't believe the rumors that surrounded him since he'd seen him the first time he went to the fair. For Gun, it just seems funny how an innocent gesture ended up as the biggest urban legend on their University. 

"Anyway, What about Off? Is he coming?"

"He hasn't read any of our group chat messages for a week. I forgot to bring it up last night at dinner. I'm sure he has better things to do." Honestly, Gun isn't really sure. Off refuses to talk about his work when they're at home. Saying that he's already doing it eight hours a day. Work talk stays at work. 

"What a waste. I was kinda wishing that Off would be up for another talk this year. There's an alumni edition right?"

There are a lot of booths at the fair every year. But Gun's favorite is the result of the collab of Theatre Arts and Media & Publication club. They would organize an assembly at the old theatre at the back of the school and have a bootleg version of TedTalk. They call it _VTalk_ and anyone who volunteers will have a chance to do a talk. It can be a realization, a testimony, or a story. Anything that you wish to say. For those that don't have the guts to talk in front of people, they can submit their letters to the booth. And among those, the best ones are published on a Zine that the publication produces every month. The other ones that weren't selected are placed in a box in the library. Whenever Gun goes there, he would randomly pick a letter and read. Somehow, reading other people's input about love makes Gun appreciate it some more. It reminds him that no matter how different their ideas are, they would always align at the end of the day. When they finally encounter what love really is. 

"Love is a hopeless devotion. Before you love someone, ask yourself, are you really ready to risk it all for them?" Ssing channels his best Off imitation. Repeating one of his famous lines from his talk two years ago. No one expected him to get in the podium to speak so when he did, it piqued a lot of interest. Especially since Off isn't a guy who talks about love. It's not like he avoids it. He's just too practical for love. Arm always says Off has the ability to turn romantic things into something unromantic. Courtesy of the countless nights of rom-com movie marathons they had. No matter how hard they try not to have discussions about whether the movies are ridiculous, the three of them still end up bickering over whose opinion was right. To hear someone like Off talk about love surprised people including Gun. He kinda felt as if he saw a glimpse of a deeply hidden part of his best friends' mind. 

A few hours later, Gun was able to free himself from the younger students. Having them both promise to work on their papers amidst the fair so they just have to revise and edit with Gun after the events. He had an early lunch sponsored by the two too. With still a few hours to spare before his class, he decided to go back to the library. Wishing that his secret spot isn't occupied since that the only place he can sleep away from the librarian's eyes. He'd been pulling all-nighters for his own papers on top of working as an editor for other students. Gun used to love working for others. Cherishing the days he's writing even if it's for academic purposes. Three years later, Gun often senses how he's just tired of it. A feeling he's not expecting to have. Writing is supposed to be his passion. Now, he looks at it like a candle running out of life. 

Knowing that having a few hours of free time is a luxury, he hastily checked the place when he entered. Only a few people are at the library. Gun promptly slips on his spot. Mind already tired and eyes ready to sleep. 

***

Gun hears a faint sound of a familiar TikTok song playing somewhere. His first thought is maybe Arm is filming another one of his Tiktok videos again in the kitchen. He tries to ignore the sound but as he continues to close his eyes, his level of awareness only increases. Making it more difficult to sleep. Feeling frustrated, he pulls his hair in annoyance. 

He's about to yell at Arm for being so loud when he realized that he went to the library to sleep. Gun raises his head in mild panic. His eyes are still adjusting and he can barely get it to open. Still, even in a haze, he can make out a figure of a guy sitting in front of him. Busy with his phone and blissfully unaware of Gun's freshly awaken confusion. When the guy notices that he's awake, he immediately put down his phone on the table. Looking at him amusedly. 

"Arm's new tiktok is gathering many viewers." The man, Off, says when he sees where Gun's looking. 

Tearing his gaze away from the phone, he looks at Off who's smiling wildly at him. "Why are you here?" Gun questions. Genuinely confused. 

"Why wouldn't I be?" Off counters. 

"I thought you weren't coming."

"Who told you I won't go? As if I'll miss the fair. This is a gold mine of juicy gossips." Typical answer. Until now, Gun still doesn't understand Off and Arm's fascination over other people's drama. They're always where the rumors at. The first people to know whatever otherworldly crisis is rising. "There's nothing that exciting this year though." Gun reaches for Off's phone to pause that damned tiktok video. Terminating the app before returning it to him. 

"Of course. Nothing happened yet. I just arrived." Off said it with such pride that Gun can't help but scoff. The elder tried to glare at him but failed. His face still sporting his face-splitting grin. It's the first time after weeks that Off looked genuinely happy. Gun can't help but wonder if things at work are bad. There's _nothing_ particular at the campus that can make Off this gleeful. 

"It's already past one. The outsiders are already coming in. You should tour me around." Gun is sure that Off doesn't need him to tour him around. The older knows the campus ten times better than he does. Still, he let him pull him to the exit of the library. As they are walking outside, he remembers that he still hasn't retrieved his belongings. He's about to suggest detouring when he notices that Off is already wearing his backpack. The man probably got him for him while he's still sleeping. Off's hands are still holding onto his wrist. Gently pulling him to god knows where. Normally, Gun will be the first to pull back — complaining about being dragged against his will. But this time, he lets the older hold him longer. Off's warm hands are a reminder that he showed up even when the younger thought he won't be. 

***

"You don't have classes?" Off asks between bites of his burger. The two of them socialized a bit after exiting the library. Greeting familiar people in different booths like they're candidates for the next election. There isn't much touring that took place. Off was the one who led him around. Holding his shoulders securely to make sure that he won't run away and hide. When they're already exhausted, they made their way to the back part of the school. To where the old field is situated. The place is usually deserted since most students prefer to hang out outside or in the nearer parts of the University. It normally takes longer to reach this part. 

"It's already past three. I've ditched it."

"Why didn't tell me?"

"I told you! But you thought I was making an excuse to avoid people."

Off looks at him apologetically and tries to pat Gun's back. The younger dodges him expertly. Scurrying to sit at the other end of the bench. 

"You'll just wipe the ketchup in me." He accuses. Pointing at Off's ketchup stained hands. The latter only laughs at him before asking for a tissue. Gun exasperatedly rummages in his bag for it. When he found it, he then tossed it at the other. He can't help his smile when Off struggles to catch it because of the wind. 

Sometimes, when he looks at Off like this, he realizes how different he is from the pre-pubescent teen that he met at camp years ago. In theory, Off is still the same in a lot of ways. He's still messy and loud. He still relies on Arm to help him with his clothes. Occasionally, some of their clothes end up with burn holes from his ironing. The older still wakes him up early to help him cook breakfast. He's still their one call away friend. Off continues to fulfill his promises. Not showing any desire of breaking them. 

But this Off is also older. There are certain times that when he speaks, it sounds like something that came beyond his years. He used to talk their ears off yet the last few years proved Gun how good of a listener he is. The changes are certainly not a bad thing. Off is now more mature and wiser. A full-grown adult. Better at things that he used to struggle at. Slowly becoming the man he wants to be. 

Which is good for him. That's why Gun can't figure out why he feels so conflicted over the change. When he looks at Arm, he also wonders how long will it take before the other starts to change. Like a poison, the bitterness slowly fills him in at silent days. Along with the envy seeing the two of them flourish in the field, they dreamed to be part of. While Gun remains unsteady in the path he chose to take. He knows that the two aren't slipping away but he still fears that someday, they will. Leaving him alone with no sure direction in life. Gun is aware that it's irrational for him to think like that so he swallows the lump in his throat and buries the overwhelming urge to try to keep up with his friends. 

At your pace. He would repeat to himself. 

"Do you know the line-up for the talk tomorrow?" Off is still in the process of wiping his hands. Eyes fully concentrated on his fingers. "Dunno. I don't want to look at it since I may get excited. I can't cut classes tomorrow."

"I can't watch tomorrow too. We have new manuscripts to sort out. I don't want to miss it though. "

The two of them are silent for a few moments. Both thinking of solutions. Weighing the options. 

"It's fine with me to not watch. I enjoy reading the entries more." Gun concedes eventually. 

"Leo told me that they would film the talks this year. I'll just ask for a copy from them." Gun hums in agreement. Maybe they could just watch it together at home. It'll be more fun to discuss it with Arm around. 

"Did you pass an entry this year? The representatives have added new envelopes at the library while you're sleeping." Taken aback, Gun replies with a curt no. Until now, an uncomfortable feeling appears in his chest whenever someone brings up the topic of writing. Although Gun had been working as an editor for other students, he hadn't written anything he really wants for years. His mind actively pushes him to try but Gun always denies the urge. Thinking it's for the better. 

"Are there any interesting speakers this year? Even Ssing and Mook asked me about the talks earlier." Gun asks instead. Changing the topic. 

"I can't think of someone particular but there are rumors that Fluke will talk this year."

"The one who wrote about the Bouquet Guy in the Zine?"

Off nods. 

"That's interesting." Gun sighs. "Now I feel excited."

"Why?"

"I want to hear more. He said it himself that he talked to the Bouquet Guy before writing his feature about him. Maybe there's more to it."

"I think so too. Ever since I've read his feature, I can't help but feel like the students interpreted it wrong." Off turns to him while talking. Now sounding completely invested. "Like, how can someone that miserable be a token of pure love here? You'll receive luck in love if you came across him? What are they, masochists?"

"That's what I'm thinking too. Do you remember when we saw him two years ago? He's just sad. All he does is walk aimlessly around the campus with his larger than life bouquet. It's been years but he hadn't given it to anyone."

"It's more of he's not the patron saint of love. More of unrequited love? neglected gestures?"

"The Patron Saint of missed opportunities," Gun adds. A little quieter now. 

"I saw the guy earlier." Off's voice sounds quieter too. Almost as a whisper to Gun's ears. "I waved at him out of reflex and he nodded at me. I think he knows us." He added with a hint of a smile. 

"No shit. He sees us every year."

"You haven't now."

"Maybe I won't. For a change."

***

"You should continue writing the latest story you're working on."

"What story?"

"You know, Twin soul marks? I'm really interested. "

Gun hesitates. "I'll think about it."

"It's fine if you don't want to share your works with anybody. Just remember that Arm and I will always be here to read it. No matter what everybody says. You don't have to quit something you love for anyone.

You'll always have _me_ — us. And all we want is for you to do what you dream of."

16-year-old Off is rash and reckless. An idiot who mindlessly gets them in trouble for stupid things. 

24-year-old Off is dependable and thoughtful. Still an idiot who learned to say things like that. A sturdy foundation that Gun leans on when he's lost like today. 

Overwhelmed from Off's words, Gun has nothing to do but to pull him into a hug. Tight and full of emotions. The type that Off is usually avert of. Yet, the other only holds him tighter. Patting his back for good measure. Off might have changed a lot but he's still Off. For that, Gun is endlessly thankful. 

They stayed there until sunset. Catching up like they don't live at the same house. Neither of them mentions it but they know that they missed the moments like that. With Arm and Off busy with their work and Gun already getting busier as he approaches his final year, they hadn't got the chance to talk like they used to. Time seems to move faster this year and the three of them struggles to keep up. Still making sure that no one gets left behind. 

While walking towards the back exit, Gun sees the bouquet guy's slowly retreating figure. Walking towards the other exit. He wishes the guy good luck. Secretly hoping that he'll find what he's looking for soon. This time, he doesn't mention it to Off. 

***

_Tay's fingers hover over the call button._

_It's already past 1 at midnight and the thoughts hadn't left him alone. It all comes back, flashing. Reminding him of the mistakes he committed. Lulling him in regret instead of slumber._

_His wrist still burns with a familiar pain. Demanding to be felt. Relaying a message._

_When Tay was younger, all he ever wanted was to have a soulmate mark. He hasn't expressed it — never wanted anyone to know, but he fears being alone. Sure, he has a lot of friends. But he felt that he couldn't quite connect with them the way he wanted. There's this level of familiarity that he can't find in them. He reckons his soul had constantly yearned for someone. The mark is only the confirmation that someone out there was meant for him._

_His mind wanders over New. He'd been contemplating if he should call him or not. Tay doesn't even know why. Usually, when he can't stop his thoughts, he would automatically call him. And being a reliable best friend that he is, he would answer. No matter where New is — in his family home whispering as talks to him or in another one of his company parties where he ducks away to talk to him, ignoring his superiors. New would always be there. Worriedly asking him, "Are you okay?" or "Do you want me to come over?" Whenever he sounds particularly bad._

_Tay remembers how New would sometimes absentmindedly caress his wrist. As they lay down side by side at night. Fingers tracing over his mark — a time mark that says 1:21 AM. Unconsciously comparing his' that had been markless for the last 23 years. New never talked to him about his mark or his lack of. Tay didn't push to. Even when it seems like that's the only thing they should talk about. Instead, he would blabber about mundane things. The stupid shit he'd done that comes running back at dark. Anything but that soulmate mark._

_He wonders if it's been hard for New as it is for him. Sometimes Tay thinks that it's probably harder to live with no marks. Even if he has to deal with the constant heartbreak, the endless disappointment of loving someone that doesn't have a matching mark, at least he has leverage. An assurance that no matter how big the world is, someone out there is meant for him. He wasn't born alone. He just has to find them. Tay can't fathom himself being in New's shoes. He'll probably worry constantly. And with every kiss, he shares with a stranger, an underlying fear of just being born alone will always be there. Just at the back of his mind. A ghost that constantly plagues his thoughts._

_He wonders if New is waiting for the same thing. A familiar, or a stranger's face in the crowd. The familiar burning around their wrists as they kiss at the right time. The words, "There you are." Leaving his lips as they realize for the first time that they're fated. That they've found each other regardless of all odds. And all the pain and longing will eventually subside. Because their souls finally found where they belong to._

_Tay could just ask New about it. Be the listening one between the two of them for once. Only New is a tough one to crack. The best friend label might not even work with that._

_His phone shows a familiar notification. An alarm that been set since forever. It's 1:21 am again. His wrist burns with longing but this time, he ignores it. Instead, he terminates the alarm and presses the call button._

  
_— from_ **_There You Are, Chapter 2: Twin Soul Marks ©ATP_ **


	2. The Monster that Lives Inside Off's Closet

"AJ participated in VTalk?" Off's loud voice surprised Gun. He'd been sitting on the floor for an hour. His notes and reviewers disarrayed on their new coffee table — Arm's new investment that came from his first paycheck. On his left is Arm, comfortably watching rounds and rounds of VTalk recordings from his place in their beat-up couch. 

"That's JJ." Arm interjected. Looking more offended than the twins whenever someone mistakes them for the other. He sent a glare to Off who's positioned comfortably to Gun's right — his own spot on their couch. 

"What? That's AJ."

"Nah. It's obvious, that's JJ."

"Are you serious? It's AJ."

"It's JJ."

Gun tries to tune them out. Used to their constant bickering. But between his own mess of reviewers and the elders trying to one-up each other, there's not much of reviewing to be done. He can't help but stare dazedly on the papers, hands automatically covering both his ears to block their voices. 

"Dude, that's definitely AJ!" Off insists. 

"No! That's JJ. Look at his smile."

Gun sighs. It can't be helped. 

"It's —"

"Will the two of you stop?" He cut's off Off's supposed-to-be reply. Glaring at him when he tries to speak again. "That guy...is one of the twins," he trails off, not sure either. "Let's leave it like that." He sends another warning stare at the two. Daring them to speak. None of them made a move. "Okay?"

"Okay." The two of them answer simultaneously. Both are sitting straightly. Their hands placed in their lap like children that are caught doing something they shouldn't do. 

"Good." 

With only the sound of the television in the background, Gun hopes that he can finally study. He can't afford to procrastinate now. Arm and Off remained silent. 

For two minutes. 

"But doesn't he look so much like AJ?" 

He inwardly groans in frustration. In his back, Arm laughs loudly. High-fiveing Off upon seeing Gun's reaction. 

Gun wonders how he ended up stuck in the same place as them.

—

Gun had always been a creature of solitude. 

Although he grew up fairly surrounded, his soul had perpetually yearned the accompaniment of the silence. The way an empty place surrounds his small body. Reminding him of how insignificant he is compared to the vast world out there. To some, it can be lonely and bothersome. But Gun thought that it was easier to whisper his sorrows to the absence. To write it all out for no one. Even when he was younger and Arm would ask him what's wrong, the answer is lodged in his throat. He has to lurch to get it out. A period of clammy fingers and labored breathing. 

Gun thought it's easier to keep it all in than to go through the process of trying to get it out all over again.

When he graduated from high school, he completely left the life he had in their old town. Even he doubts his own decisions. Conscious of the death grip hold his old memories there has in him. Yet, the air there had nothing but disturbing whispers in him. And the stillness of the dark night kept on bringing back the harsh voices of his parents in their kitchen or in the foyer, or living room. Everywhere. Their once picture-perfect marriage turned to a fever dream. Just a series of suffering. Words burning not only each other but Gun too. His memories replaced days & nights where all he could ever do was stay in his sister's room as a distraction. Because of that time, he still believed that ignorance is bliss. His lean arms that enveloped her at bad nights are a protection of the happiness that she shouldn't lose at that age. Soon, it's his own voice that remained in the silence. Hypnotizing him like how it tried to convince his sibling. His own words, replaced with nothing but remorse. Gun can't write like he used to anymore. 

Gun realizes he's not up for that life. Off's arms around his shoulders, a hand to his elbow as he guides him out convinces him that it's a good decision. 

He had nothing when he moved to the city for college. No support from his estranged parents, no good plans on how to survive. All he has is heavy baggage of anguish. A wet blanket of misery constantly resting on his back. Gun was unable to get a dorm and for a few months, he falls asleep next to Off in his bed. The elder's voice lulls him to sleep in between his explanations of complicated concepts he has to understand. He can't obtain a scholarship magically.

"Fate doesn't have to work it's magic to bind both of you." Arm jokes one day. Bags of groceries in hand — he came home to Gun and Off sitting on the floor. A mess of reviewers and books scattered in front of them. "Gun had consciously followed you now, Off." It's been a running joke between the three of them. While Arm and Off knew each other by a bunch of mutual people, Gun and Off had always been a chance meeting. The oldest will bring it up sometimes. Telling that Gun must've admired him so much that they kept on meeting on random scenarios. Gun would argue as expected. Saying it's not his fault that they're candidly alike. Gun actually picking the same course as Off although it's not even his target course is probably the first time he decidedly followed him. 

Sometimes he'll be next to Arm. His head resting in his chest, hearing the steady beat of his heart. When he laughs at a particular scene, it vibrates sending electric shock signals to Gun. Arm would absentmindedly play with his hair. Now longer because he doesn't have a mother that insists on a proper haircut. There are nights where he wonders if this is how his sister felt when he used to do this to her. Comforting her over something she didn't even know about. Everything is calming in a way that keeps Gun from wanting to run away. Convinces him that laying in that apartment next to Arm whose completely engrossed in the movie, with Off that chews his popcorn loudly next to him, is where he should be. 

He would always tell them at due dates that he'll find a place soon. Still convinced that he'll be better alone — craving the company of nothing but himself. He decided to abandon writing in the meantime. Because it's been a while since he'd written something that came from his heart. His notebook is full of ugly scrawls — words that scream anger and despair. It's all a remnant of the life he desperately not want to be associated with again. The two would tell him not to rush. The pats in his back are comforting and the hands that lead him back to the apartment are warm. Keeping away the coldness that wormed its way to his heart.

He remembers asking Off one night — it hasn't been ten minutes since he arrived from the University. The smell of the airconditioned room still clinging to him. "Why are you helping me?"

He expects a lot of answers. Ranging from, "I've been there." Because he really did. to "You're my best friend." Because it's obviously the truth. 

Instead, he says, "Because you're important to me." His voice is serious but he's smiling at him. Eyes careful, movements easy. As if afraid to scare him away. Hands still busy unbuttoning his uniform. "And what's a good friend but the one who helps you when you badly need it?" Off breezes past him shortly after that. Leaving Gun to collect his thoughts. 

A few months later and he eventually caves in. Promising to pay his share of the rent. Declaring that he doesn't want to leave anymore. The rest of the week was spent making room for Gun. Flipping the whole apartment to find a place for him. Somehow, it makes Gun feel like an intruder. But Off argues that it's the reason why they're looking for his spot. Because a room is only a room until someone makes a home out of it. And it's what Gun thinks about until Off cleaned out his closet. Surprisingly the three of them with its size — almost as big as Arm's room. A tiny area that will be his refuge for the next few years. With its air, whispering comforting words at cold nights, with its warmth, igniting the lost passion that Gun thought had vacated his life. 

He still remembers Off's smile. Full of wonder and hope. Welcoming him home. That time, Gun was completely disarmed. There's no way in hell that he'll take back his decision. 

Arm finds them mid-hug with their sweat and all. The older complained about being left out but joined in the hug anyway. His laugh spreading into the room. Soon, the three of them are laughing — arms still tight around each other, not pulling back. 

***

The next day, Off texts Gun after his last exam. Asking if he wants to hang out at a coffee shop nearby. At first, Gun thought,  _ 'He has work today, why would he...?" _ Then he remembers that it's the third Wednesday of the month. Off's very random day-off. He had questioned Off about it over and over. Out of all the dates, why on a Wednesday? The elder's answer is always, 'I like Wednesdays. And the number 3.' Gun eventually stopped asking. Finally accepting that it's just one of Off's 'quirky qualities.'

He replied,  _ 'Okay. I'm omw.' _ To Off almost immediately. Not bothering to ask him why since it's free. If someone volunteers to pay, he would go. No questions asked. They haven't gone to any coffee shops presumably for almost two years now. When Off and Arm are still students like Gun, they would usually study at the library. They have no budget for  _ hangouts  _ nor did they feel the need to do so. The three of them live in the same apartment. Hanging out together outside seems like overkill. 

The only way they actually managed to kill time in a coffee shop near the Uni was when Arm used to flirt with one of the baristas there. Off and Gun enjoyed the privilege of being able to sit there and enjoy the wifi and AC. Ignoring Arm and the guy who's busy sending heart eyes to each other. It didn't last long since they apparently didn't work out. No one brings up anything about coffee shops or café after that. Arm says that the instant coffee Gun makes at home is just the same. The only difference is the overpriced rates outside. 

Gun immediately spots Off when he arrive. The other is sitting at a booth on a corner. There are two mugs and a slice of cake in front of him. It remain untouched while Off is busy browsing something on his laptop. Virtually ignoring the buzz of noises coming from other customers. Gun quietly makes his way to him. 

"New manuscripts?" He questions. Sitting beside him to peek at his laptop. 

"No. Just reviewing my suggestion before submitting it." Off finally looks away from the manuscripts. Adjusting on his seat to accommodate Gun better. His hands brushing past his hair. It's getting longer now. Almost covering his eyes. Off is wearing his glasses today. He must've worked for long. He gets bad headaches whenever he stays glued on his laptop too long without his eyeglasses. 

"How's your exam?" 

"Halfway done. I just need to take two tomorrow then I'm officially free from the academic burden." Gun takes a bite from the cake. Not bothering to ask if it's for him. Off wouldn't mind anyway. "But I still need to edit my ethics paper today. The prof changed his mind. He wants it passed by midnight today."

Off offers one of the mugs to Gun. The hot-choco is still steaming. He probably ordered it when he was sure that Gun's coming. 

"Want me to help you?" The younger shakes his head. Blowing the drink before sipping. "It's your day-off. Think about your own job and don't mind me."

In the booth next to them, two people had sat down on opposite sides. Both making it a point to not look at each other. The guy clears his throat. As if wanting to repel the awkwardness. Off and Gun watches in amusement. The two strangers probably meet up for a blind date. Judging from the aura that surrounds them. Full of unsureness and hesitation. Gun silently wishes that Arm is there. He's the one that influenced them to observe people like this. He said that they're probably not aware of the possibility that they're seeing a love story transpire before them. Between the three of them, Arm is the hopeless romantic. Gun usually humors him because it's kinda interesting somehow. Off is only in it for the gossips. 

Possibly feeling the eyes on them, the people next booth simultaneously look at them. Both of them tried to appear busy. Facing each other like a knee jerk reaction. Partly embarrassed that they're caught. 

Off elbows Gun side and it hurt. Causing him to splutter over his drink. The older suppresses his urge to laugh at the younger. Thoroughly amused at the turn of events. " _ Honey _ , I told you to be careful. No one's going to take your drink away from you. Now, you created a mess." Off muttered obnoxiously. He gathers hand napkins. Fake whispering to himself while wiping the spill on the table and Gun. He is kinda glad that the laptop was placed a bit farther earlier. He heard a chorus of chuckles from the next booth. 

Determined to get back from Off, Gun kicks his foot using his. Grinning widely as a pained expression crosses the taller's face. 

Not quite done embarrassing each other, Gun clears his throat exaggeratedly. With a sugary sweet voice, he exclaims, "Isn't this the time you'll take a sip from your mug of coffee? Then I'll wipe up the remnants of it from your lips while we stare at each other's eyes." His voice is decidedly dreamy. Hands cupping the other face as he makes kissing sounds.

"Shut up!" Off screams. Obviously flustered. This time, the table next to them along with the other tables nearby laughs. Gun sends them a thumbs up while Off is busy looking away. 

_ No one messes with Gun Atthaphan when he already got his fill of sugar for the day.  _

"Hey, Ssing texted me earlier." Off says after some time. They've calmed down and the strangers next booth seems to be enjoying their blind date now. Gun considers it a mission accomplished. Definitely, something that Arm would be proud of. 

"What did he say?" Gun writes something next to a paragraph he'd written for his paper. Saving it for editing later. "Apparently he landed a date with Puimek. He said it's because he saw the bouquet guy at the fair after you left." 

"What's does the bouquet guy have to do with it?"

"He said their encounter gave him luck." Off retorts in a isn't-it-obvious tone. Gun rolls his eyes. "Whatever reason that she said yes, it's because of him. Not because of BG." Gun reasons. Eyes not straying away from his project. 

"You just think like that because it never worked for you." Off adds another packet of sugar in his second mug of coffee. "Four years of your paths diverging but you never landed a date."

"Shut up!" Gun all but shouts. "As if you had a date too! You saw him with me." The younger points his pen in Off's face. Making the other hold his wrist to prevent accidents. 

"But I'm not actively looking for love though." He justifies. 

"Excuse you, as a philosopher named Arm Weerayut once said,  _ 'You don't find love. Love finds you.' _ "

"You really believe in Arm, don't you?"

"Not so much. When we're in high school, our ideas are alike. Mine changed when I grew older." 

"How?"

Gun used to be like Arm. He loved the rush of first meetings. The undeniable attraction at first sight. Gun used to indulge himself in infatuation. Craving the feeling of instant love. The quick connection. 

Yet, as he spent years being friends with Off, the older guy somehow influenced him. He used to daydream about bumping to someone in the hallways or sharing one umbrella under the rain. But maybe out there, there's a kind of love worth investing for. It may be one that takes years to grow, but when fully mature, would be as great as those that he dreams to be. Maybe even better. 

"There's love more than the movies or the books." Gun recites. It's a line from Off's talk years ago. Arm and he knows it by line. They would recite it to each other sometimes — like a prayer. On days that they don't quite feel that there's love out there for everyone. Reminding themselves that there's love other than the ones they've known. 

"So you were influenced by me?" Off asked. His smile is so big that Gun can barely see his eyes. 

"Don't flatter yourself too much. I learned from experience too." Gun denies. But returns the other's smile anyway. 

"Hey, I've read 3 chapters of this." Off yields a set of papers. Waving it in front of him. "But I started with Twin Soul Marks. Where's the chapter 1?"

"Why did you bring that here?" Gun whispers, scandalized. Rushing Off to keep it in his bag again. 

"You left it there for me to read. Of course, I'll bring it with me!" The taller pinches him in the elbow. "Anyway, where's chapter 1?

"Huh? It's there."

"No...?"

"Maybe I misplaced it." He scratches his hair. Wondering if he lost it. "So, what do you think?"

"Of the story?"

"Duh."

"Read the notes I wrote on the chapters." Gun rolls his eyes."But I really like it. Honestly speaking," Off continues. "It's been a while since you've written anything. Especially romance. I'm glad you're trying again."

"I got inspired."

"By what?"

"By you. Your VTalk monologue was great." Gun readies himself to recite another part of his talk but Off cuts him off. 

"It was inspired by you too."

"...how?" Gun asks. Taken aback. 

"You didn't acknowledge it so I assumed that you forgot about it but you're the one who told me that love is a hopeless devotion." Off's eyes are glazed. Like he's replaying the exact memory in his mind. 

"Really?" 

"I asked you that once,  _ 'If you believe so much in love, why aren't you in a relationship yet?' _ You said love is devotion. A hopeless devotion. No matter how easy it is to jump in it, the risks are overpowering. Love still needs to be sure and steady. And that's what you're waiting for."

"Younger me sounds wonderful," Gun notes with a smile. Still trying to remember the memory.

"You still are. Now." Off's hands find his under the table. Gun can feel his cheeks turning red. Heartbeat suddenly racing. Damn Off and his annoying words. Seriously. 

"Ew." He mutters. Pulling away before he gets carried away and stare at the others' eyes. Gun misses the way Off's smile dimmed for a moment. Too busy gathering his thoughts. 

***

Arm bombards them with texts. Accusing them of betrayal for  _ eating out _ without him. Off ended up buying another piece of cake as a peace offering. Not wanting to deal with Arm throwing a temper tantrum. 

Gun barely had time to rest once they arrived home. He jumped into fixing his paper immediately. Aiming to submit it a few hours before the deadline. Once finished, he started reviewing again for his exams. He already reviewed it with his other subjects so all he had to do is to refresh his memory. Still, Gun finds himself still awake at 3 AM in the morning. He can still hear Off from his room typing furiously in his laptop earlier while Arm decided to join him in the living room. Also busy doing  _ work stuff.  _ Gun hadn't noticed how the sound of Off's keyboard slowly stopped. Or how Arm ended up sleeping at the coffee table. His head resting on his crossed arms. 

Gun was about to wake Arm up so he can rest comfortably in his room when the older jolts awake. Surprised that he fell asleep while doing his work. 

"You won't sleep yet?" He asks as he sleepily gathers his things. Ready to make his way to his room. Gun only answers by shaking his head. 

He observes how Arm does his skin-care routine despite being half-asleep. Amused that the other can do that regardless of his condition. When the other is done, he turns at Gun one last time. 

"Mom asked me if you're coming home at the break?" Arm yawns. "Off and I can't come. We have work." He mumbles apologetically. 

"I'll think about it," Gun replies. 

"Okay. G'night."

Once again, the apartment is enveloped in silence. Gun is left with his thoughts. Without warning it comes, spilling without control. 

The three of them used to do this. Pulling an all-nighter before an important exam. Arm laying on the couch. Mumbling about terms on and on. Off in the corner, creating a tune to sing his lessons to. Claiming it's easier to remember if he's singing it. Gun is usually on the floor. Earphones on. Listening to classical music as he tries to recall if he had learned something. 

There are nights that Arm would persuade them to walk outside at 3 AM when the pressure of the exams finally kicks in him. They would go to the convenience to buy on the vending machine and they go there so often that they became close with the part-time cashier. Even when the man — Oab have changed shifts, they still greet each other like old friends. Gun and Oab even ended up on the same team on a reach-out project their respective Orgs had started. 

Sometimes they would go to the old playground in the deserted park in their town. It was unkempt and rusty. The grass hasn't been trimmed for a long time but the swing still works. The three of them will sit on respective swings. Relishing the silence. Only the sound of the creaks of the swing are heard. They would think and think. And leave all the worries there to disappear. Keeping only the good for things to go well. 

Things hadn't really changed now. The only difference is Off and Arm are already done with that. They've graduated. Gun have no choice but to face this alone. 

On his walk back to his room, he stopped to look at them. Arm's door is already shut so he moved past it. To his and Off's room. The other is also already fast asleep. Cuddling with Gun's enormous giraffe stuff toy. The one he won on an arcade game in the Valentines Fair years ago. It used to stand at the door of Off's closet — Gun's room. He put it door to guard him, believing that it will protect him from bad things that will try to evade his room. But Off's bolster was destroyed one night after a vicious pillow fight. Off had no choice but to adopt the giraffe because he's not used to sleeping without hugging anything. Gun doesn't approve at first but Off promises to be the one to protect him in place of Mr. Giraffe. 'Til now, he's still living up to that promise. 

With a sigh, Gun enters his room and opens his phone. Finally having the courage to answer a text that's been living in his inbox for weeks. 

————

_ Nicky didn't even inform New this time.  _

_ Instead, all he hears is a loud car horn past 12 AM. Car lights are pointing to his gates — unminding of the neighbors. Thankfully, New is still awake because it'll take a whole lot more than blaring horns and bright lights to wake him up. New has been feeling under the weather lately. He would wake up every day feeling emptier than the last few days. Like he had forgotten something so vital, so important that it affects his whole being.  _

_ New is sitting at their front porch steps when Nicky arrived. Enjoying the cold breeze of the night air. Able to think clearly for the first time that week. His cigarette remains unlit in his hand. Once the loud noise reaches his ears, he runs towards the gates. Hastily opening it to see Nicky hauling Tay out of the car.  _

_ He doesn't even have to ask him.  _

**_Tay got drunk again. Tay started a fight again._ **

_ "He's lucky I wasn't drunk yet," Nicky mutters disapprovingly. His arms crossed as he eyes Tay who's busy puking at New's garden plants. New flinches at the sight. "Anyway, I gotta go. Tell your friend to sort his problems alone. I'm not the only one losing patience with him." _

_ New watches as Nicky's car drives off the street. His hands automatically scratching his arms. An uneasy feeling abruptly grounding him in place.  _

_ The sound of someone choking startles him and his eyes immediately go to his best friend. Tay is now sitting on the pavement. His legs spread like a V and his back, hunched. His head is faced to the ground and New can't get a glimpse of how he looks like. Worried, he quickly goes to his side. Not minding the pool of puke just a few inches away. His hands instantly find its place in Tay's back. Rubbing it soothingly.  _

_ "Are you okay? What happened?" Why didn't you call me? New has a lot of questions. Yet, he swallows it all. More concerned over Tay's being.  _

_ For a moment, Tay doesn't respond. Keeping his head bowed. Not wanting to look at him. Or to talk to him. New can't help but feel pained — a pinch to his heart, a kick to his stomach. It's weird how a few weeks can alter so much between them. Tay used to tell him everything. No matter how random or deep it is. He doesn't hold back. But the change in his best friends' eyes since last week, only showed him contained information. A secret he can't tell. Something he chose not to.  _

_ All he knows is that he's in pain too. Probably more than he is. The last time they talked, Tay told him about the burning in his wrist — specifically, in his mark. He told him that it hurts. Not only there but in his heart. Like it was set on fire. It's like someone is squeezing it. Milking all the blood that flows within. Yet, he feels cold. His whole body is longing for someone's heat. When he tries to be with others' it only hurts him more — rejecting the idea of finding solace from them. But Tay also told him that it's different when he's with him. That he feels safe with him.  _

_ What happened to those words?  _

_ At first, New doesn't really understand it. The longing and the undying search. He isn't born with a soulmate mark. His 21st birthday passed without anything appearing on any parts of his body. It somehow made him feel free. There isn't a time in his life that he wanted a mark because, in his eyes, it looks like constraints. A reminder that you can't love freely or choose. Because someone out there is made for you. And you're bound to suffer unless you find them.  _

_ When Tay finally raises his head up and looks at him with tears in the eyes. The next few words he uttered cemented a truth in New — soulmate marks are nothing but an agonizing bind. _

_ "Hin, why does it hurt so much?" _

_ —  _ **_from There You Are, Chapter 1: The Problem With Fate © ATP_ **

  
  



	3. Shifting Gears

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw // mentions of abuse, trauma, violence and homophobia. 
> 
> can be triggering

Gun's memories of the last time he's been in their family home are hazy. 

There are days that the memories randomly appear in his mind. A mess of uncoordinated events. There are a lot of screams and crying. His cousin, Mek, with clenched fists going after his father. Then his aunt coming to the rescue. Fixing things that she doesn't have responsibility for. 

Sometimes Gun wonders if all the things he remembers actually happened that day. It all seems too much if it ever did. Still, he doesn't have enough strength to actually ask about it. Gun isn't sure if he wants to remember. Maybe the reason why everything appears to be an odd memory is to save him from the heartbreak. Even though he's still hurting from not having much recollection at all. 

What he's sure of is that he had a lot of first times that day. 

It was the first time that Gun won a grand prize for his writing;—  _ alone _ . He was usually part of a group whenever the school sends them to different schools to compete. This win felt like independence to him. He can carry his weight alone. Even if it takes months of hard work to see it flourish. 

It's the first time that he had talked to someone about his identity. Part of it is because no one really had the balls to ask him upfront about it. Another half of it is because Gun doesn't really know how to talk about it. He knows it's not something to be ashamed of. He's still Gun, he just happened to like men. There's nothing wrong with that. He ended up writing a bit about it in his feature — the one that won that day. Gun's teachers didn't bat an eye. Some even went to him to tell him how proud they are. Off and Arm only hugged him tightly. A gesture of acceptance on Gun's sea of doubts. The waves stopped crashing at that moment. And Mek, acted as an anchor. He also went on the awarding day. Clapping loudly amidst the adults who were clearly bored of the whole program. On their way home he said, "You're my favorite cousin. But don't tell the others about that. Nothing can ever change my mind." 

Reality came crashing in when they reached home. Gun had no plans telling his father about the achievement. He just walked past him. Clutching his certificate tightly. Gun told Pim that she should get dressed because their aunt is taking them out to eat. To celebrate Gun's great day. Pim quickly obeys him. Running to her room without hesitation. 

Turns out, their father had other plans today. 

Apparently, someone informed him about Gun. Sent him a digital copy of his feature and among all those words, the only thing that registered him is Gun addressing his orientation. One sentence among numerous others. Gun stood there. Unmoving. While his father spews a lot of hate. Ranging from that, being the reason why he'll never be successful. He had been a failure to begin with, why is he so proud of this feat? His writing isn't even that special anyway. He continued by saying that if he knows that Gun will end up like that, then he shouldn't have sex with their mother out of high school. To save himself from the disgrace that is his son. Maybe, Gun's mother had known it all along. It's probably the reason why she pursued her dreams instead of staying. Because that way, she doesn't have to face the reality that the son they raised normally, turned out to not be normal. 

In his mind, Gun is willing himself to just be numb. He tries so hard to not absorb anything. Convincing himself that his father is only projecting his anger on him. Because no matter how many bottles of alcohol he drinks, it still doesn't change the fact that if anyone is a failure in their family, it will be him. Not Gun. Or his ex-wife. 

It's funny how he suddenly cared now that his reputation can be affected. He never cared about his children before. He hasn't spared them a glance after bringing his new  _ wife  _ at home. It hadn't been a month since their mother left. 

Gun just stood there. Not wanting to retaliate because he knows what will happen if he does. Mek, who had been waiting outside heard the screaming. Freaking out when he heard the sound of bottles breaking. He promptly runs inside the house. Pim also came to the rescue. She can't handle just standing there as their father destroy all the great things about her brother. She can't swallow the idea of their father snatching her brother's dreams away. 

Crying, Pim approached their father. Telling him, "Leave him alone. He didn't do anything." Pim was still young and small at that time. The little cracks in Gun's heart gradually became bigger. Why does his sister have to deal with this shit? 

He swiftly holds his sister's arm to move her away from their father. Pim continued to cry as their father approached him. Evidently mad that he made a move. That he made a decision in front of him. Inside his house. Where he used his money to build. Gun is just a speck inside. He has to be eliminated. 

"Why would I do that?" he asked Pim. "I raised you to be a decent man. Not to write some shit claiming you like men!" He tries to snatch the certificate in Gun's grip. That was probably the first time that Gun had felt a bone-numbing fear. Blood running cold. Already knowing what was about to happen. It definitely wasn't a great day to experience a lot of first times. Especially experiencing something that Gun tried so hard not to encounter, ever. Gun was determined to not let the certificate go. He wanted to at least save that. The  _ only good thing _ that came out from the way his parents raised him. The only thing he's holding onto at that moment. 

It made their father more furious. His steps are heavy as he approached Gun. A man on a mission. Determined to be the winner of fight that Gun doesn't want to be a part of to begin with. Clenching his teeth with anger, he kicked Gun — knocking him over in the process. His head momentarily bumping on the nearby table. He hears a series of screams after that. The last thing Gun sees is their father ripping apart his certificate. 

Four years had gone by and Gun still can't believe that all of that happened in a single day. Whenever he would talk about that drunkenly at their apartment, he would say, "Did that really happen, or did all of you tried to make it more action-packed than it is?" It would usually annoy Arm. Who was very worried when he got a call from Gun's aunt informing him of what happened.

"Do you see this?" Arm grips his elbow firmly. Turning it so he can see a faint scar. It was one of the cuts he had when he fell. His elbow was cut because of the broken bottles. It needed stitches. "You also had to get your cut on the forehead, stitched. It wasn't a pretty sight, Gun." He would scold lightly. Adamant on letting the younger feel how worried he is. 

"It's very serious, Gun. You don't have to make things light just so you don't have to carry a heavier burden. Sometimes you really have to go through it. Not go past." Off would interject. His words always aiming to hurt. Because that's what Gun always avoid to feel. That's what he's running away from. 

And for four years, he did run away. 

But now, he had no choice but to go back. 

***

After the midterms, Gun decided to answer his sister's text messages. Feeling sorry for not responding to her as often as he used to. Pim's messages caught him off guard. He didn't realize that time passed so quickly. It always felt so slow at the University. Now, Pim is also entering college. She's not even a child anymore. The last time they met, over Christmas at a mall in their hometown, she's already a few inches taller than him. It made Gun wonder where did the child in her go. She'd asked him for help. Apparently, their father wants their things out of their old home. He has new children coming up. Which means he has no space for them in there. Gun called Pim when he read her messages. Wanting to ask her if she's okay. But the other seems uninterested in it. Even almost sounding relieved at the prospect of going there for the last time. 

Gun hasn't seen their family home for almost four years. Opting to stay with Arm's family on breaks. They would fetch Pim outside their village so Gun can spend time with her but he had never tried walking in. Even thinking about it got his hands shaking. Sweat forming in his forehead. Like someone had pointed a gun in his head. Yet, Gun has no choice but to go back there. He just can't let Pim go back there alone. It's only the two of them now. Officially. He doesn't want to let her down. 

Arm accompanied Gun to the station. He has a tight grip on his wrist. Afraid to let go. Part of Gun wants to turn back and drag Arm with him — to home. For their peace of mind and sanity. But Gun can't run away forever. Sooner or later, he'll still be forced to face his past. It's better to get over it now than to spend a lot more years in the hiding. 

When the train arrived and he has to step in, Arm's grip became tighter. "You have to let go of me or I'll take you with me," Gun says to him gently. To reassure him that he's fine. Gun's better now. What happened in the past won't be repeated. 

"Text me whenever you're free. Tell me everything." Arm replies as he embraced him for the last time that day. The other passengers start to get in. A signal that Gun should too. He slowly removes Arm's hold in him and smiles. "I'll be fine."

With a sigh, he faces the train. Each step, an indication of his return. 

—

Mek fetched him at the station in their hometown. 

He has a car now. Which is convenient because they can just borrow it to use on their way home. Pim said that there's still a copious amount of things left there. His, Pim's, and their Mom's. Gun is actually surprised that their father didn't throw it away. He wonders if it's because he's still waiting for them to come back or if it's because he doesn't care enough to even look at it. Gun thinks it's more of the latter. 

Upon arriving at his aunt's, Pim welcomed him with a tight hug. Her smile is wobbly, unshed tears evident in her eyes. Pim grew up to be a strong woman. Until now, Gun cries more than her — and he rarely cries. Seeing her looking like that makes him feel unsettled. He doesn't know if it's because of happiness since he finally had the balls to come home. Or if it's sadness because they'll be facing the end of the family they used to have. 

There's a piece of information that Gun hadn't shared with his best friends. It wasn't only because his father is having more children that he needs to get rid of the space they used to occupy. After long years of not hearing anything from their mother, she finally sent them a letter a few months ago. Particularly, for their father. 

_ The divorce papers.  _

Gun thinks it's funny how they really waited for Pim to turn 18 before proceeding with that. No minor kids. No fights for custody of the children they don't want to take care of. It's heartbreaking. But it's the truth — Gun and Pim had learned to swallow it a long time ago. 

Their Aunt is joyful seeing him there. He hugged her extra tight. Hoping that the gesture will make her understand how thankful he is to her. For taking care of Pim. For making sure their father won't be in their lives again. After the tearful reception, they all had lunch. Gun doesn't really want to eat but their Aunt insists. Threatening him that he will not be able to leave her house unless his plate is void of food. Soon, the festivities ended, and Pim and he had to leave. His sister requested that they do it immediately. That way, Gun's remaining four days will be spent helping her in dorm-hunting and college preparations. She really sounds like she got her life together. That makes Gun extremely proud. 

"What do you think will happen when we get there?" Pim asks. Gun is driving and he's going too slow. No one is complaining. 

"I don't know. You're the one who gets to go there often. How is it?" His hand tightens on the steering wheel. He doesn't know why he feels panic crawling in his veins but he's trying his best not to show it. It'll be like one of those days. Gun says to himself. 

"It's..." She thinks for a moment. "It's okay, I guess? I mean, he doesn't really care. Sometimes he would call his child and tell them I'm their sister but that's it. He doesn't even invite me to eat."

"Sounds like him." He replies. That made Pim laugh. The sound temporarily occupying the whole car. It calmed his nerves in the slightest.

"The woman tho...the new wife, I mean. She's nice. Like nicer than our actual parents  _ 'nice' _ . It's a shame she started out as the other woman. She deserved better." Pim is looking out at the window as she says the statement. Seemingly afraid of Gun's reaction. Gun pats her shoulder comfortingly. "I know. But she already made that choice. Even if we try, we can't alter it."

No one speaks between them until they arrived at the house. As Gun exits the car after parking, a child comes running to him. A little boy who resembles their father a lot. The boy seems to be on the look for something so Gun squats to be on his level. 

"What are you looking for?" He asks gently to not scare him. 

"My ba—"

"Win!" A loud voice says behind them. Full of authority. Commanding power. The child jumps in his place before running to the man — their father. "Don't talk to that guy, okay?" His father says to Win. Obviously a warning to the little boy. 

"Gun! Help me with these." Pim screams from the inside. Already on the process of taking out the boxes. Their father's wife is nice enough to collect it and put it in respective boxes. Gun makes a beeline to her. Making sure not to have eye contact with the man. 

Their father stands at the driveway while Gun and Pim carry the boxes to the car. He's just looking at them disapprovingly. Especially him. He can feel his eyes on him — judging. It makes Gun's resolve slowly crumble. He didn't know a look can make him feel so small. He had endured a lot of these in the past but it still has the same effect after years. Maybe Gun hadn't changed either. 

"Your hair is long? Do your school not have a haircut policy? How could you go on like that?" His father notes when he fixes his hair for the nth time. He doesn't know how to respond. He likes his hair. What's wrong with that?

Their father continued to point out things he didn't like. Growing more upset because both Pim and Gun continue to ignore him. He's talking to air. No one's responding to his shit show. 

"Is that how you turned out after being a freeloader to your friends in the city?" That remark made Gun turn to him. A big mistake in his part. Of course, their father still knows the right words to say. He knows where his insecurities lie. And when he's sure that it'll break you, he would shove it to your face. Wanting to see you get sucked in the miserable life he's living in. "What's wrong? Say something." He taunts when he saw how Gun looked at him. Eyes full of absolute hatred. 

Still, he ignored him. There are two boxes left. One last trip inside and he doesn't have to listen to his shit anymore. 

"There's nothing wrong with him dad. But with you, there's a lot." Pim says when she comes out of the house. In her hands, the last boxes. Gun scrambles to help her. Scolding her lightly for talking back. "He deserves to hear it." She replies exasperatedly. Gun ruffles her hair and right at this time, their father notices something. 

"You have ear piercings too, Pim?" Gun's eyebrows automatically rise up. This old man gets mad at random things. He has this long list of ways a  _ person _ could be proper. One that Pim and Gun had never bothered following. 

"I wanted to have it, Dad." She replied monotonously. Their father is silent for a moment. Scrutinizing them both. Until he sees Gun's ear and everything else clicks. Gun had brought her to the piercing place. 

It was Pim's request. A matching piercing and earrings for both of them. It's Gun's gift for her eighteenth birthday. The one that only them celebrated because their parents didn't even remember. 

Their father's steps are quick. As soon as his hands are in Gun's collar, he automatically gets a flashback from what happened years ago. Only this time, it's not hazy anymore. It's clear as the day. "You really nothing but a failure. Now, you're influencing your sister too? What? You want her to be like you?"

"If you mean someone who's thriving to live without any support from you and trying to not to turn out like you, then  _ YES _ , I'd definitely want her to be like me." He doesn't know where his voice came from. Or his strength. All he knows is that he's so done with all of this. He wants this one to be  _ worth getting an injury for _ . His response made the man furious. Hands releasing him to swing for a punch. 

Pim screams at that, yanking Gun away but he didn't budge. He stands there, maintaining eye contact with their father. Behind them, a sudden cry cuts to the commotion. Win is standing there. Watching the whole thing with confusion. Pim's scream is enough to disturb him. Large tears streaming in his cheeks as he looks at the brutal manner their father possessed. It's stranger to the child's eyes. The neighbors, who're probably listening since the screaming started had slowly trickle outside their gates. Too curious to care. 

"Hit me! Show your child what will happen if they won't agree at your shitty opinions." Gun challenges. Win's mom materializes out of nowhere. She looks at them worriedly. Promptly enveloping her child in her arms. Shielding him from what's happening. Something about her body language makes Gun think that she's not new to this. She's been there when the same thing happened years ago. But 'til now, she's still scared to infer. Who knows when their father would turn his anger to her. 

The sound of Win's cries is still audible. Gun wants to believe that it's the reason why their old man stopped moving. But it's probably to protect himself from the gossips. Words travel fast. Many people are already watching them. "Come on. Prove just how rotten you are." He says when the other glared at him. 

"Leave." He commands. "Gladly," Pim replies at him. Ready to leave. Just waiting for Gun to do the same. 

"What?" The old man asks angrily when he sees Gun still looking at him. "You won't be able to see us again. Not even if you beg to." Their father only chuckles. 

"I'm not accountable for your wrong-doings. I'm not the one who decided to do that anyway. I don't get to be your scapegoat anymore. Grow up." Gun wants to scream and tell those nosy neighbors how terrible their father is. He wants to punch him or kick him. But Gun isn't like that. He's not like his father. 

So, he turns away. Not sparing a single glance at the house. It's full of shit anyway. 

—

"Gun, you can cry." Gun stopped the car a good ten minutes away from the house. It's only now that he's able to breathe. 

"I'm fine."

"Are you sure?" No.  _ He really wants to cry _ . Yet, this doesn't feel like the right time to do so. He still got a lot of things to do.

"Yes." He consoles her instead. "Don't mind me. I'm used to that. At least, I got to say some words. I don't feel like I lose."

"Yeah. You did great there." The remark made Gun smile. "You did too," he pulls her for a hug. It's awkward and uncomfortable like any other hugs that happen in a cramped car. "We will start over again. Nothing's going to hold us back anymore." He whispers to her ear. His hands rubbing circles in her back as she starts to cry. 

***

Gun ended up coming home a few days early. 

Off scolded him for not informing them because Off was supposed to be the one who'll fetch him. Gun reasons that they're probably busy with work and his sudden decision aren't part of their plans. Neither of them wants to argue so they let it be. When he's asked by Arm about what happened, all Gun can say was, "They're divorcing." It elicits a delighted whoop from Arm. Which made Gun's eyebrow raise but he didn't question it. It just feels weird that he's not feeling  _ happy _ at all. Or even relieved. 

He's just numb. 

"About time." Off comments at his statement. Probably thinking more about Gun and Pim breaking ties with their parents. Than Gun's mother who's the one who benefitted the most out of it. She's a free woman again. Bare of the family that used to hold her back. 

Aside from that, Arm and Off hadn't pried much information from Gun. He doesn't know why he can't budge at all no matter how they tried. Something inside Gun had shifted and he's still trying to maneuver over the change. The voice inside him is like a stranger but also so familiar. That scares him more than ever. It feels like spiralling back to the lost boy that he's been before. 

Weeks moved fast and before he knew it, Gun is already in his final year. Pim, with the help of their Aunt, had also settled in her new life as a college student. The fact that his sister is already on College now pushes a trigger in Gun's brain. He had to work extra hard to be able to push through college and he doesn't want his sister to do the same. A week after the classes started, Gun applied and got hired as a teaching assistant. At first, Gun is considering being a cashier at the convenience store near their apartment. Oab had informed him that they're hiring. But Gun still had other things to do like working as an editor for other students and prioritizing his own school work at the same time. Being a TA gives him more freedom with time and he doesn't have to leave the campus. The extra income will help Pim. He doesn't want her to work while she's studying. 

Gun buried himself with more work. Even lowering down his rates per edit. Just so more students will avail of his service. Then when he comes home, he would face his thesis and thinks about his internship applications. Gun has a lot of things to do and he likes it. Nevermind that he rarely talks to his best friends now. Or that he hasn't replied to Pim's email for weeks. He didn't even remember the last time he ate, the last time he had slept for at least 5 hours. Gun is pre-occupied and he's glad of it. 

That way, he doesn't have to think. To remember. His father's voice wouldn't bug his mind every waking time he's not doing anything. The memories of the past can't haunt him anymore. He's void of feelings towards that  _ incident _ . Gun had buried it deep underground. For Gun, this means he's doing great. That should be okay. 

Arm and Off didn't think that it's okay. 

"You know, I don't have to be a  _ Psych _ major to notice how unhealthy Gun's coping mechanism is." Arm whispers to Off. They are standing side by side in the kitchen. Pretending to wash the dishes together. It's been two weeks of trying to coax Gun to eat with them. They're successful for at least three attempts. The rest, Gun just kept on saying that he's busy. Sometimes he would say he already ate. Both are obvious lies. 

"What can we do? He refuses to tell us anything." Off answers, agitated. Obviously very worried about Gun. They've tried their best to help Gun but the younger man doesn't even seem to notice that he needs help. 

—

"Hey! Off gave me these." Arm materializes out of nowhere. In his hands, a set of papers. It's  _ There You Are _ — Judging from the red notes of Off's handwriting for when he volunteered to beta it. Like the editor that he is. Claiming that Gun would feel better looking back at that work if he'd edited it before safekeeping.

Honestly, he had forgotten about it. He hasn't touched the papers nor did he think about his plans for it after he came home last break. It just seems too much to work on it. Gun have a lot of things to think about. He doesn't have time to write something that would never reflect his  _ reality _ .

"Is this finished? Where are the remaining chapters?" Arm probes when Gun didn't respond. "That's all of it." He meekly replies. "Huh? But where's the conclusion? What happened?" With that, Gun can only sigh. Looking at the elder for a split second before returning his gaze on his laptop. Typing away another paragraph for his thesis.

"Okay..." Arm mutters before scurrying away to the direction of Off's room. Gun knows that he'll probably report this to Off. He'd been feeling like the two of them are observing him closely since he came home. Two prying eyes waiting for him to break. Gun isn't sure how long he can hold up. Or if he can do it in front of them.

He rarely has time to see his friends. Gun wants to convince himself that he's not ignoring them but it's obvious that he's still doing it unconsciously. He feels that he'll break the second they have the chance to ask him about what happened. Gun can't afford to break down now. It'll be hard for him to recover. And this part of his life is very important. He can't fail. He can't be what his parents think he will be. So he wills himself to be strong. Even if it means straying away from vulnerability for a bit.

But what Gun didn't realize is how near he is at his breaking point. 

A few minutes later and Arm walks out of Off's room looking victorious. He's still holding  _ There You Are _ . But it looks a bit different now. The set of papers looked thicker. Like something was added on it. 

"Gun! Look!" Arm forcefully takes away Gun's laptop. Setting it on the other side of the table and replacing it with his story. Gun looks at it with confusion. 

"We found Chapter 1!" 

"How?"

Arm ecstatically points at Off, who's standing at their room's doorway. Hands in his pockets. 

"He searched every nook and cranny of the apartment for this." Off laughs at his exaggeration. Gun only feels cold at the scenario. He doesn't have enough energy to deal with all of this. He still has a lot to think of. There are things he needs to get done. 

"This looks good. It only needs a conclusion. Off even think you can post it or submit into a pub house. Maybe there's anyone interested."

Gun only shakes his head at that. "No need for that." He replied tiredly. Suddenly getting dizzy. 

"But why? Aren't you going to finish this? What happens to them?" Arm insists. Clinging to him like a cat that needs a good petting. 

"I won't finish that, okay?" He snaps. Now irritated. He doesn't have time for any of this.  _ Why can't they stop?  _

"Hey, be nice. He's just asking." Off interjects. Forehead wrinkled and frowning. Annoyed at Gun's reaction. "How can I be nice? You kept on pushing that to me." He replies. Turning to Arm, he says, "Maybe just accept that it ended like that. Maybe that's how it should end. It's not all butterflies and pink unicorns like you always expect it to be." Gun instantly scrambles up. Getting his things and refusing to look at Arm because he knows what he looks like. Gun is perfectly aware that he had hurt him. 

"What's your problem?" Off grabs his wrist. Snatching away all his things. It made Gun flinch but he didn't budge. 

"Nothing. Okay?" He says while shaking his head. "I'm just too busy. I don't have time to deal with this shit."

"Of course you don't have  _ time _ ." Off is still holding his wrist. He can't get out of his grasp no matter how much he tries. "You don't have time to spare to assure your friends that you're okay. You don't have time to talk to your sister to make sure that she's fine. You don't have time to care about anything else because ever since you came back, all you could think about is yourself."

Arm gasps at that. They just want to help Gun but now, they're all fighting. 

"That's not true." Gun reasons. Deflating in Off's hold. He musters the courage to punch his chest but the older isn't even hurt. That's how weak he had become. "I'm just adjusting. Things had been rough and this is the only way I feel better. Why can't you let me be?"

"'Cause you're killing yourself." Off releases his hand to hold his shoulders but he instinctively moves away. "What happened, Gun? What's the problem?" If the older can beg, he would've done that already. Yet, deep inside. He knows that no matter what he does, it won't move Gun. He's too hard-headed for his own good. 

Gun sees Off's defeated expression and he automatically feels guilty. He should've not acted too obvious. He should've hidden it all better. That way, his friends wouldn't be this affected. They don't have to shoulder his own pain. They already did enough for him. 

"Nothing. I'm fine, okay? I promise I'll talk to both of you often. I'll call Pim now. So she doesn't have to worry." He smiles at the both of them. "Just...don't worry about me too much." His voice cracks at the end of the sentence and Gun silently curses himself. Even to him, he doesn't sound okay. 

"You know that's a lie." The elder states. Daring him to say another word."We did everything. We tried so much to make it work. Why can't you just let us help?"

"I didn't ask you to do anything for me."

"That's the point. We want to help. But your walls are so high up we can't even see the other side from here. We're so close, Gun. But you won't let us in."

"Maybe it's for your own sake. Because I don't want you to be exposed to this feeling."

"We're old enough, Gun. We can take care of ourselves. It's not your responsibility to protect us. It's our choice. You're also old enough, Gun. You should know when you need help and when it's fine to do it yourself."

"I can do this alone." He insists.

Arm sighs at that. Frustrated at this conversation. He can't even say a word out but he feels like he's the one that lost many brain cells the whole time of exchange. 

"You don't. All you do is safeguard yourself with so many shits. That way you don't have to think. You're so hell-bent at protecting yourself that you didn't even care if you hurt others." If Off's earlier statements are meant to convince Gun to talk, this time he just mean to hurt. Wanting the younger to feel the pain that he desperately tries to get away from.

"You don't understand," Gun replies angrily. "Why are you doing this anyway, why are you still trying?"

"You know why." He shakes his head at that. He can't believe they're having a conversation about this now.  _ "After all these years?" _

_ "After all these years." _

"What?" Arm asks. Now lost in translation. 

" _ I love him, okay? _ But that's beside the point." Off tells Arm who doesn't look that shock at the confession. "The problem is that you," Off points at Gun, "Didn't even trust us enough to believe that we only wanted to help. You're so deluded in the idea that you could do everything by yourself. You don't need anyone else. That you're protecting us by doing that. All it does is push us away, Gun. What's worse is no matter how much we drill in your mind that you're not alone, you've never believed us." Off eyes reflect disappointment. Jagged glass trust that cuts him open inside. Settling where it hurts the most. It's funny how an old wound that Gun thought had already healed that caused all of this. Under all that bandage, the cut is still fresh. Gun didn't asked for anyone to stitch it. 

"Of course, we won't understand. You never told us anything." Off continues. This time, the older was the one who steps away. Every inch away a dagger to Gun's heart.

Deciding he can't bear to see the sight of Off, giving up, Gun turns away. The tears he's been trying to keep in fell like raindrops. He knows this will eventually happen. He'd been trying to ready himself for the heartbreak. Still, this hurts more than Gun expected. It wasn't even a series of cuts anymore. It's a full-blown explosion. None of his parts survived. 

Walking quickly to the door and shutting it loudly, he ran outside. Going as fast as he can with no destination in mind. 

***

_ "Are you not bothered?" New settles his beer bottle beside him before looking at Tay. Surprised at his sudden question.  _

_ "About what?"  _

_ "Not having a soulmate mark." _

_ New laughs a little. It made Tay frown. "I'm not. Contrary to what you expect, people with soulmate marks are actually a minority in our society. Some experts say that it's a gene thing. Sooner or later, people who have marks won't exist anymore." _

_ "That's such a morbid way to think." Tay points out. New knows that Tay doesn't like how their conversation goes. His best friend had so much reverence over his soulmate mark. Even if it hurts him more than anything else in this world.  _

_ "I just think it's unfair." New takes a swig from his beer. "The soulmate marks I mean. They just appear out of nowhere. Then suddenly you have to find this soulmate because the marks don't appear unless you have interacted with them. But what if, while you haven't found them yet, you fell in love with someone? Are your feelings not valid? Do you not get to choose?" _

_ "People with marks don't fall in love unless it's their soulmate." The other whispers. Now refusing to look at him.  _

_ "You know that's a lie." He states. New isn't sure if it's a good idea but how long are they going to ignore the elephant in the room? Do they really have to settle like this? _

_ "How about those people who have random marks? How do you explain theirs? Unlike those with time marks, they don't have to wait anymore. They don't have to go through some shit like kissing or figuring out if they match. They just knew it the moment they see each other." Tay argued. He's starting to get fired up. It creates an unsettling pool of emotions inside New. It's not a good thing to make Tay angry.  _

_ "Well, that's not the only kind of love that exists. Maybe they're bound to fall in love at first sight. That thing happens. But what about you? What kind of love does exists for you? Are you really going to mold yourself on an idea that you know would never work for you?" New answers back. Because he doesn't fear Tay. Not even when he's at his limit. Instead, he argues back. Knowing that at times like this, it's actually what Tay wants. What he needs. Tay had to have someone to prove him wrong.  _

_ Honestly, New doesn't know it he should blame the soulmate mark for all of this. Maybe Tay had changed because he wants to. Not because of the imbalance the bind creates. _

_ "You're just trying to change my mind because you're jealous." Tay accuses. Eyes looking at him in such a way that New had never seen before. New stares at him disbelievingly.  _

_ "Jealous of what?"  _

_ "You're jealous because I have a mark." New laughs. This is ridiculous. "What makes you think that?" He fired back. He's starting to feel pissed. Yet he still feels the need to push. 'Til now, Tay's still doesn't know how to think logically when he's angry and he's not having that.  _

_ "Because that's all you're concern about since I got it!"  _

_ "Says the one who made everything about that goddamn mark! Wake up, Tay! No one cares if you can't find them. Stop shoving it at our faces!" Once he says those words, New immediately regretted it. Especially as he watch Tay visibly deflate. The anger in his eyes replaced with a defeated one. He sinks further more into his seat. Hands automatically reaching for the beer bottle to take another shot.  _

_ "You love me." His best friend whispers. The statement made his hands shake in surprise. "I beg your pardon?" He replies. Voice not hiding his shock.  _

_ "You love me." Tay chuckled. "I've known it for long. But now," he shakes his head at New. "It's getting annoying. You hate that I got the mark and you don't. Because you know that soon, you have to let me go. And you have to accept the fact that the man you've loved for years isn't the one for you."  _

_ That hurt. The fact that Tay looks convinced at his own self-made reason made it worse. That's how Tay is. If someone hurts him, he would bounce back harder than ever. No matter who's at the other side of the ring waiting for his punch. _

_ New had spent midnights after midnights worrying over him. Wishing that he finally finds that someone. So that the random flares would also stop. For New, it's harder to see him suffer like this than to see his best friend be with someone. He'd been in relationships before and New turned out fine despite the heartbreak. Finding one is Tay's dream. He doesn't have the right to infer to that.  _

_ He loves him too much he's willing to lose it all. As long as he knows that Tay wouldn't be alone for the rest of his life. He'll get his happy ending.  _

_ "Do you think that's my truth? Or is it yours?" Tay scoffs. "You talk like you don't know me." New doesn't even try to hide the disappointment in his voice now.  _

_ Tay drinks the remaining beer in his own bottle before speaking. "I don't know. Maybe I really didn't know you. Maybe you don't know me either." He slurs. "I don't even know myself, New." _

_ "That's because you lack self-awareness." He bites back. "Grow some of it before trying to find the one for you." This time, New mean it to hurt. Tay needs to hear that. He deserves to.  _

_ "I can have self-awareness in the future if I want to. But you still won't get a mark no matter how much you want it. " Tay begins to walk out.  _

_ "Wait." New calls out. Walking rapidly to where Tay stands.  _

_ "Wha—" he punched him before he could say a word. Because he deserves it. Because he asked for it. _

_ New walks back without looking at his face. Knowing so well that his resolve can crumble upon seeing his face. Maybe this is the reason why they aren't fated to be together. They always choose to hurt each other.  _

_ Tay is still an in denial prick — to the brink of destroying everyone than to admit to himself that he's wrong. New still hits him where it hurts. Always out for blood. No matter what he feels for you.  _

_ It's when New enters his room that he started to cry. There are a lot of ways that their conversation could've to turn to. Yet, they chose the harshest route out. Nothing was even resolved. The problem was left hanging in the air. As well as New's heart. He hated that he didn't even have the chance to confess properly. The ending to their not-love story didn't have the happy ending it deserves. _

_ He falls asleep crying. In his mind, a hundred scenarios in which this evening turned fine.  _

_ — _

_ New wakes up to indescribable pain.  _

_ It made him sit-up. Whiplash hitting him with how fast he moved. With his bleary eyes, he checked the surroundings. The house is fine. The aircon is on. So, why is he suddenly feeling like he's on fire? _

_ He runs to the bathroom and opens his shower quickly. His whole body is burning and he doesn't know why. The water only eases the feeling a little but it's still there. New doesn't know what to do. _

_ It's when he reached for the towel that he noticed what changed.  _

_ On his wrist is a black mark. The numbers 1:21 AM engraved in it. _

**_— from There You Are, Chapter Three: Could've Been Better ©ATP_ **


	4. The Love that Learned to Wait

Gun found himself at the old playground. The one that the three of them used to go to. A makeshift sanctuary that holds a lot of memories shared by them. 

It looks a bit different now. The swing is rustier and the grass at the surrounding appears to had gotten the trim that it needed. The slide is nowhere in sight. It's a relief since it's already so broken. It can cause an accident if an unknowing child decided to play in it. He approached the swing and sits in his designated place. The middle swing with the faded blue paint. The right one used to be Off's. The left is for Arm. 

Once seated, Gun is immediately flooded with recollections. Nights where they all share their worries about anything while sitting there. Gun has always liked how they can talk about anything under the sun. There were no restrictions nor space for judgments. There are nights where they can't talk at all and all they could do was to sit there and be with each other. Those nights are really treasured in Gun's catalog of favorite moments. Because those reminds him that even with his silence, his friends don't love him less. It doesn't matter if he can't talk about certain things at the moment. They can wait until he finds the courage to do so. 

The fight is much worse than he thought. Even as he is running earlier, all he could think of is the ugly possibilities. What if they never get to be here again like the old times? Was there a secret formula to bring back the love that they're already grown tired of? What if resting means goodbye? Gun can only calm himself by reminding his mind that sometimes, all it can think about is the worst. But did it ever happen? Hardly. 

The problem was blown out of proportion. There's a lot of ways the talk could've continued but his irrational side chose to be a rebel. To look for a fight that he already lost before it even started. 

Just thinking about it makes Gun wallow in more tears. 

He can't even say that it's not his fault. No matter what angle anyone will look at it, his past actions resulted in the fight. The problem ricocheting to knock them all. Gun received the greatest pressure of impact. He lost control. Thinking that it's his friends probing that kept him at the edge. Although deep inside, he knows they just want to help. Gun's pride just squashed the fact before he had the chance to be convinced. Maybe he really still hadn't let go of his past. His eyes are already far away but if he checks, his feet are still shackled at the house. His father's words still continuously being engraved in his mind. 

—

It's silent for a while. All Gun can hear is his sobs and occasional sniffs. He knows crying wouldn't change a thing but it did make him feel better. The heaviness in his chest lost a little weight. As the pressure deflates, Gun wonders to himself why he had to hold it all back. He should've cried sooner. 

Eventually, he hears footsteps making way towards where he's at. Gun wipes his tears using his t-shirt. Mindlessly blowing his snot at the edge of the cloth because he has no choice. He doesn't want a stranger to walk in and see him crying like a child that got lost in the grocery store. It'll be embarrassing. When he looked up to see the person, a familiar figure emerges from the sideway. 

"Hey!" Arm greets like they just bumped to each other and not fighting an hour ago. 

"Hi," Gun replied. His voice breaking despite how short the word is. Arm laughs at him. His steps light as he sits in his swing. 

"I have a lot to say." The older states. "But before all of that," he stands suddenly. Towering over Gun. It made him a bit intimidated.

" **_WHAT THE FUCK?_ ** " He shouts it in a way that's akin to his reaction whenever a good plot twist shows up in a movie. Just the right amount of shock, awe, and disbelief.  _ Mindblown _ , Off would comment if he's there. That made Gun smile. Arm's face looks like he has heard that there's an ongoing public fight but ends up arriving there too late. The disappointment and confusion are so evident. So is the curiosity. The one you can't ignore because no one can keep a secret from him. If they're on a cartoon show, there's probably a series of question and exclamation marks surrounding him. Both his hands are on each side of his waist and he just stood there. Staring at Gun. His reaction on point. 

"Okay. I'm done." He says as if nothing happened. Sitting again at his swing. Gun is thoroughly amused. That reaction is so Arm and his heart warms with the familiarity. 

"Are you sure? It's fine with me. I can wait." Gun says. He still sounds like he just cried but he feels much better now. He gestures at the space before him to signal Arm that the stage is still his. 

"That already sent the message." Arm replies with a wink. 

Neither of the two talks for a moment. Gun is sitting still at his swing in a daze. Still thinking. At his left, Arm is aggressively riding the swing. Not afraid of the possibility that it'll break. 

"Be careful." Gun reminds him when they hear a particular loud creak from the swing. As if it's begging them to stop the torture. "No fun." Arm protests but obeyed him anyway. Feet anchoring to the ground to stop the movement.

"You got me worried for a bit there," Gun says to him while glancing up to see if the chain is still holding up Arm's weight. He sighs in relief after seeing it still intact. 

"Same." Arm says. " _ You really got me worried there _ ." The older mirrored how he said it a few moments ago. At first, Gun is confused. He's not moving at his place. How is worried? But then he realizes that the other is probably pertaining to a different thing. 

"I'm sorry. It's not my intention to snap like that. I don't mean what I said to you." Gun uses his feet to push his swing to his left. Bumping it to Arm's. The gesture erased the seriousness in the other's face. 

"Not just earlier. You know I'm a chronic worrier. I'm worried about you all the time. More for the last few weeks." The statement make Gun look down. There's really no reason in him to justify his recent behavior. He really thought he was doing okay. Apparently, he's not. 

"Sorry." He mutters. More sincere this time. 

"You know, when Off gave me the copy of There You Are that you left for us to read, I was really ecstatic." Arm chuckles. Sounding fond of his statement. "When we're younger, you used to journal all the time. Other than your random what-happened-in-my-day entries, I've always loved how you transform the bleak moments in our lives into something more hopeful. Even if it's  _ fiction _ , at least the alternate universe version of us managed to work things out. No matter how hard it is to do that, you always try." 

This is the first time that Gun is hearing Arm's sentiments over his writing. Whenever they discuss it in the past, it was always so technical. Gun is constantly looking at areas of improvement that he didn't see how his works impacted his friends. 

"It's always just Off and I — the one you trust with your journals. And I've always felt honored to have that privilege. Your journals are one of the first things that taught me to look different in life. Because I wasn't really the brave one among us. Ever." 

"That's a lie." Gun points out.  _ "There's always bravery in being vulnerable."  _

Arm is a scared kid. Very different from the confident adult that he is now. He used to follow Gun and Off all the time. Giving the impression that he's the youngest. He worries a lot — even now. But only because he cares. Out of the three of them, he's the one that grown up a notch. Holding them together like glue. Being in charge of so many things that his younger self would never think he can do. Arm is susceptible to feeling a lot. The emotional and expressive one. The older might think that it's an inconvenience but his so-called weakness had always been the one that saves them all. Because even though Off and Gun shy away from too extensive gestures of expression, Arm still managed to teach them that it's okay to let it out.  _ His heart is so full of love — it extended to Gun and Off.  _

"That's something I can see in your journals," Arms says, laughing. Because it's true. Gun used to cringe at how it seems so  _ inspirational quote page _ his past writings are. Yet, he knows he only started hating it when he became endowed in so much negativity. 

"That's why I felt very worried — anxious even. When you stopped writing years ago." Arm continues. "Because that's your outlet.  _ Your reminder _ . When you stopped, I just know that it means you gave up trying to overcome the bad things. Am I right?"

"Yeah." He says with a sigh. "It felt weird. At that time I just thought, why write? It doesn't change my reality."

"But it does. It helps."

"I stopped believing it can at that time."

"That's why I was so happy that you're trying again. And how obvious it is that something happened when you just tossed the whole story like it's nothing. You never abandon a work in progress." 

Gun lets out a laugh. Only this time, it's humorless. "I was so determined in finishing that. I thought I finally got better but one bad thing happened and suddenly, I'm flipped upside down." He kicks an imaginary rock in front of him. "I'm sorry I didn't ask for help. The two of you did a lot for me when it first happened. I thought it's time I learn to do it all by myself. I don't want to say anything because I thought it'll be detrimental to your own progress. Both of you are flourishing despite how hard working is. I don't want to delay your process."

"I guess...we also became too pushy now because we don't want to be late again. We omitted pressure that you have to get well fast to catch up on us. We got excited and it backfired. Four years ago we let you on your silence for too long. You ended up internalizing everything your father said you were. Now, we don't want to make the same mistake again. So we drove-in straight ahead to your wall. Determined to demolish it. We forgot to ask you something that you really need to hear. Now, don't lie.  _ Are you okay?" _

_ "No."  _

"We really have a lot to work on, huh?" Arm leans his swing to Gun's. Hugging him when they're near enough. "We'll get there eventually. It's okay if you're not okay. All of us could've done better but it doesn't mean we'll not learn from this."

"Okay," Gun whispers to him. " _ Eventually _ ."

After that, Arm swiftly gets back to his place. 

"Now, I don't want to make it seem like I only did the obligated sad talk for this but I'm really curious." Arm stands again in front of him. Blocking the source of light that Gun is left in the dark. The younger can't help but feel like he's being interrogated. 

"What?" He trails off. 

"You and Off? When? How? Why?" Arm says it with so much confusion. Gun laughs the loudest he can tonight. "How dare you contain this information from me?" Arm sounds so betrayed that Gun wonders if he's really clueless about it all. 

"You really don't know?" Gun asks in between laughter. He choked when Arm hits his shoulder. Still a look of betrayal in his face. "I know about his feelings. It's so obvious." The older rolls his eyes. "I mean...there's no non-romantic explanation with his favoritism over you. What I don't know is that you know. I thought you're a rock or something. You didn't give any indication that you know. I thought you're just dense."

"I'm not dense!" Gun defends himself from the accusation. "He confessed a while back. You just didn't get the memo."

"Okay. That's it." Arm says while standing up. "Friendship over. I'm not needed in this friend circle anymore." He declared while walking away. 

"Bye." Gun teases with a wave. "Get your things outside the apartment tomorrow." Upon realizing that Gun has no plans on stopping him, Arm walks back. Stomping his feet in annoyance. 

"I hate you. You didn't even try to stop me."

"Do you want me to? Go back there. Let's do a take two. Do you want me to cry while begging you not to go?"

"Nevermind. I'm not in the mood anymore." The older replies with a pout. "But really, you already know?" He asks while hitting Gun in the arm, again. Gun nods. "How come the two of you never addressed it. Did he got rejected?"

"It's not like that. There are many things going on at that time. We just happen to not find the right time yet."

"Do you like him back?" Arm questions. Teasing him like a grade-schooler. 

"What if I don't?" He playfully says back. 

"Then, I'll be praying for another fallen brother." Both of them laugh. Loudly and unrestrained. Happy that regardless of what happened, they boiled down to this. "Anyway, I'm declaring that tonight is the right time. We're done. So the two of you talk."

In cue, Off emerges from another path of the park. Scratching his head consciously because Arm and Gun are staring as he walks on. He breathed a sigh of relief once he sits down on his swing. 

"I'm off now. You two, talk." Arm starts to walk out. Giving them an I'm-watching-you-both gesture before disappearing to the exit. 

"We don't have to repeat the sad part. I heard everything." Off comments, once he's sure that Arm's gone. 

"I know. You weren't exactly being subtle in hiding." Gun notes. Giggling when Off become visibly flustered. 

"But I know you have something to add. We said a lot of things to each other earlier." Gun added now more serious.

"I'm sorry." Off says. Sounding very sincere. 

"Ditto." Gun answers in a beat. "Man, that's such a fight. If I didn't know you for years, I'll think that you have a lot of hidden anger towards me." He jokes to lighten up the atmosphere. Off looks so stricken and Gun doesn't want to see that. After all, Off was just trying to talk some sense to him. 

"That's not what the feeling I have for you." Gun cringes at that. "It's hard to be romantic. Do people seriously fall for lines like that?" Off continues after seeing Gun's expression.

"Some do. Some don't. The two of us...obviously don't." Both of them smile at that. "But it's fine. It doesn't fit us anyway. I think what we have to work on more than that is communication."

"Good to know that you realize that." Off comments. This time, there's no heat to it. "Hey, be nice. I'm trying here." Gun scolds him jokingly. 

"You're right though. I honestly thought at first that Arm's babying you too much by acting so gentle around you. Sometimes, that does work. But I became increasingly anxious when we gave you time but nothing changed. I wanted to open you up and fix you."

"But that's not your job nor your responsibility to do."

"Yeah." Off looks at his feet. 

"You just wanted to make things better. Don't make it sound like you've done something really bad. The feeling of wanting to fix me, it probably springs up with the fact that nothing worked for me at the moment. I doubt you'll do that if I talked. You'll still want me to learn to handle things alone. You're just there to guide me."

"You sound like you really know me so well."

"We've been friends for years. We live together. Of course, I know you." Gun exclaims. "You know what this reminds me?"

"What?"

"When I was scared to go to the dentist but my tooth hurt so badly. You literally threatened to haul me to the clinic because it'll only get worse when not treated. Then when I agreed, you reassure me over and over again so the next time I have to go back there, I can do it alone.  _ Because you showed me that it's not scary." _

"I just pushed too far this time." Off replies. "And I held back too much." Gun supplies. 

"Anyway, do you know that my mom used to read me letters when I was young? That's my bedtime story while growing up."

"What kind of letters?"

"Love letters," Gun says with a chuckle. "My parents kept their love letters for each other. It's four years' worth of letters. My mom was a great writer. I used to think that maybe after she left, I'll receive a book from her one day. It'll be her first book."

"She sounds cool."

"She's okay." The younger can't help but smile. "Before I would go to bed, I'll have a first seat view of how my parents' love story unfolded. Theirs was a flurry of love at first sight. Infatuation that ends up with a child — me, right after high school. She made it sound so beautiful and romantic. That their endless love is the main reason why I existed in the first place. 

So when I learned how to write, my biggest goal was to have that. Like, it was solely the reason why I kept on coming back on writing. Because of the love that they introduced. I thought, maybe I'll have that someday. But since I still haven't found someone, I'll write about other things very related to that."

"And you did."

"I did. Until I walk back home to realize that the love they engraved in my mind was a lie. It was built with broken promises and toxicity. And it was hard for me. That's my whole foundation of childhood — no, it's the whole core of my belief system gone in a snap. I believed in the love they tried so hard to tattoo in my brain that when it was destroyed, I struggled to unlearn it. It was the only love I know. How am I supposed to find something in place of it when it had been in its spot since I was born?"

"There's love more than the movies and the books." Off recalls. "I've always wondered why you like listening to everyone's input on love. You spent so much of your time sitting at the library reading random letters from VTalk. That's the reason?"

"Yeah. I just have to fill this black hole inside me. I have to remind myself that sometimes the love I know will not work out. That doesn't mean love is a fallacy if it happened." Gun starts to swing slowly. "Then I realize, fuck! I have to alter my mind somehow. Because I won't be able to love fully if I don't. I won't be able to write happily again too. I'll only be reminded of my parents and the failure. So I tried to write again. Because I'm so done having their story ingrained in me. I tried to reinvent what it means to love. Unlearn the things I've accumulated from childhood. Learn to see the beauty of something already destroyed."

"I got to say,  _ There You Are _ is really different from your parent's story. But it's very similar to yours?" Off questions. Sounding not so sure with himself. 

"That's why I don't really want you to read the first chapter _. I did try to hide it _ . Because it'll be too obvious who it's inspired of. And isn't it shameful to do so when I haven't even said anything about us in real life?" Gun sighs. "While writing it, a question appeared in my head.  _ 'What is the love I want?' _ I'm so attached to my parent's story but I haven't think about what kind of love do I want for myself. That's why in  _ There You Are _ , other than the connection, they have to wait. I wanted a love so sure and steady that it can't crumble in a snap. A love build with strong foundation and grew over time. Something different from the rush and love at first sight shit I used to believe in."

They are both silent after that. Quietly sitting next to each other. Just thinking and thinking. 

"I said too much. Was that too idealistic?" Gun states eventually. 

"Not at all. I, for sure, want that kind of love too." Off agrees. Eyes fixated on the horizon. Gun silently moves towards him. Grabbing Off's hands from his lap. 

"You've been waiting for too long, aren't you?" He questions. Eyes locked to the elder. Off only grips his hand tighter as a response. 

There are a lot of ways Off and Gun could've fallen in love. 

It can be the first time they met on camp. Off lost the map and somehow, they find themselves unable to find the trail back to the campsite. Alice, the only responsible one in their group, ended up finding her way back. The only problem is, the three of them failed to follow her. They stayed overnight at the unfamiliar forest. Fearing what may come out of the dark. Gun and Off fell asleep next to each other under a tree. Arm is just a few inches away, using Gun's lap as his pillow. Off was 16 then. Still enjoying his teen years. Love wasn't even occupying any space in his mind. He has an idea but it wasn't solid enough for him to consider experiencing. Gun might've had a little crush but he thought it's too early. The idea was forgotten once the camp counselors found them. The memories and ordeals somehow bind them together. Just like that, they've become good friends. 

It could've happened while they're in high school. Although the three of them aren't going to the same school, Gun and Off kept on meeting at school competitions. Seeing each other eye to eye at writing and editing workshops. Their classmates don't have any idea that they knew each other. The age gap didn't help nor does their overall images. Gun was playful and friendly. The type that everyone can't help but adore. Off is the opposite — while he's actually very nice, he's aloof nature caused people to assume that he's not sociable. It didn't matter to him that time. He liked being alone anyway. Still, the differences nor being competitors didn't stop them from sneaking out between breaks. Touring the venue together and being happy to discover the hidden paths and ways. Exchanging stories from home and school. Planning to tease Arm once they got home because like the other times, he's not there with them again. Gun had the inclination that he's about to fall. Yet, Off's still trying to recover from his parent's divorce. The experience leaving him with a bad impression of love. Holding him back from trying. 

That time, the older is sure that love wasn't for him. 

It almost occurred a few years later. Gun is already a freshman in college and the newest addition in Arm and Off's apartment. During the last years, Off's opinions about love changed. His feelings and opinions were nurtured by time. A plant that was watered carefully and placed where the sun can shine. Off's eyes were open to the reality. Realizing that a bad experience should never hold him back from the love he deserve. He had wondered why he didn't felt it earlier but is still thankful that it doesn't seem like he came at a late time. Off is glad that somehow he waited to mature. Because at least now, he's sure of what he feels. But it's also overwhelming — handling love. Sometimes it just feels too much. Always in the tip of his tongue. Urging him to scream it out. To let everyone know. Especially  _ him.  _ So one night while Gun is staying in his room, Arm is in a group project sleepover, it spilled. The glass that contains his love breaking with the pressure. He didn't mean to confess but it happened anyway. Only this time, Gun was the one who wasn't sure about love. The younger still feel the need to grow. To think. To free himself from the unnecessary expectations he has for love. He doesn't want that to be projected to the elder. They may feel the same way but Gun wasn't ready yet. Both of them decided to wait. 

They can fall in love now. 

At nights where all they could do was to stay by each other's side. Talking about anything and nothing. Learning to discuss what really matters. Growing up together. Yet, they're already used to brushing it off. Ignoring the idea even though it always hunted them. A shadow always attached to their body. Gun had somehow blocked the idea of them enough to convince Arm that he didn't know anything. He's already used to pretending  _ that night  _ didn't happen. Although a part of him screams the word coward to himself whenever he sees the older and his heart leaps. Off fails to find the right timing. Thinking it just wasn't the right time. There are many things to think about. Risks they have to take. Possibilities that was half good, half bad. He isn't even scared for himself. He's scared for Gun. 

Between those 8 years, did their love learned to wait, or did it fade along with time?

_ Is there ever a right time between two people who don't have the guts to risk it all? _

Gun doesn't know how long they stayed there. Holding each other's hands as the silence enveloped them. 

"Are the two of you not really going to have  _ that talk _ ?" Arm suddenly appears behind a tree. 

"Why are there? Stop being nosy." Gun chides. Smiling at the other as he approaches them. 

"I'm just making sure you don't keep a new secret from me!" The older reasons although it's obvious that he just went there a few minutes ago and had missed a chunk of their conversation. "Anyway, I'm sleepy and there's a lot of mosquitoes here. Let's go home."

Off and Gun both stand. Walking together with Arm between them. As they exit the park, Arm pulls them together by their shoulders. "I love the two of you even though you're both hella annoying." He declares. His voice too loud in the quietness of midnight.

Off removes Arm around him. He glares at Arm before saying, "You should say that to yourself." The other immediately take it as an offense. Arm gives him a death stare before launching to attack him. It prompts Off to run. Holding Gun's hands while trying to evade Arm's attempt on hitting him. 

Eventually, the three of them are running together. Heartbeats and soul, feeling more free. 

***

"We're full grown adults. I don't want to sleep together and pretend that we're on a sleepover." Off says once they arrived home. Behind him, Gun is still panting. 

"I'm about to suggest it. Bummer." Arm replies. Kicking the other in the shin. 

" I'm up for it. I'm a sad college student, I'd want any excuse for a comforting platonic cuddling." Gun pipes in. To that, Arm sticks his tongue to annoy Off. 

A few minutes later, Off appears at the doorway of Arm's bedroom. Arm and Gun only laughs at him before beckoning him to enter the room. 

"When's the last time we did this?" Off questions, once he's already lying down beside them. 

"Never? Does the camp counts?" Gun answers. It gets a hum of approval from Arm. "Then maybe 5 years ago? That's the last time we're on camp."

"Camp is great." Arm says obviously half-asleep. 

"Nah." Off and Gun simultaneously answers. Smiling at each other. 

***

_ Tay winces at the feeling of the cotton touching his bruised cheek.  _

_ "You deserve that." Mild points out. Still not done reprimanding him.  _

_ "Aren't you supposed to be miles away? Why are you here?" The last time he saw Mild before this was weeks ago. When she announced that she'll be moving to another country. It was a sudden decision and everyone, including Tay, was baffled. His cousin is a family girl, it'll take a pretty big reason for her to move away from them. _

_ Mild presses the cotton on his wound harder. Obviously annoyed with his hostility. "You can't act like that all the time. Soon, people will stop caring about you." _

_ "Why would they?" _

_ "No one wants to spend time with an asshole, Tay." She replies like it's a matter of fact. The statement is a prick to the heart to Tay. He knows he hasn't been the best person for the last few months. The possibility that everyone must've already given up on him now slowly sinks in. His friends' and family's faces flashing in his memory are clad with regret. He fucked up. Big time.  _

_ "Don't change the subject. Your flight was supposed to be a few days ago." He pulls her hair when Mild tries to turn away. "Why are you still here? Did that prick do something to you?"  _

_ "What? No!" She protests. "Joss is ten times better than you." Tay only rolls his eyes. Still waiting for an answer from her.  _

_ "We changed our plans. My flight tickets are already refunded. Joss knows how much you guys mean to me so, he secretly haunted for jobs here months ago. That way, I don't have to follow him to Canada." Mild is now looking at her lap. Playing with her hands. A nervous gesture.  _

_ "You're not happy with that?" _

_ "I am." She exclaims. "It's just that...I feel apologetic. He has his whole life and career in Canada but he willingly leaves it for me. If it wasn't for the soulmate bind, it would've been easy to decide." _

_ "What's the bind have to do with that?" Tay asked. Suddenly interested.  _

_ "You don't know?" Her eyes grow a bit larger. Shocked. "Why are you so clueless at things like this?" She comments further. Seemingly annoyed at him.  _

_ "What? I'm just asking." _

_ "Okay, since you don't know anything, I'll explain it to you." Mild reaches for his hand and touches his soulmate mark. "The most common soulmate occurrence is when the fated couple meets. Usually, an identical mark suddenly appears on their body. And they just know that they're it." _

_ "I know." _

_ "But there are also different variations of how it happens. It's different with everyone. I've known Joss for three years before I discovered that he's my soulmate. He already has his mark before he knew me. On those three years, I really thought there's no chance for us." _

_ "Did you try to kiss him?" Mild's answer is a death glare.  _

_ "Back to what I'm saying, I didn't have any clue that we're soulmates. And yes, we've kissed a few times." She looked shy for a moment upon saying that. "Do you know when I got the mark? It's when I realized that I love him." _

_ "...really?" _

_ "Honestly, at first I was also baffled. I liked him way before that. I guess fate wanted me to realize that somehow, finding your soulmate is a process. The bind wants you to be sure of your feelings before it shows up. That way, you don't have to wonder if you only love them because of their mark or if you love because they're them." _

_ "Then, what's its connection with you moving with him?" _

_ "Ugh! How clueless are you?" _

_ "Just answer!" _

_ "Remember Joss and I always hang out way before all of this happened?" Tay nods. "It's because his mark wills him to. He told me that when's far from me, his whole being just automatically longs to see me. It took him long to connect the dots. All he knows at that time was that the burning feeling in his mark and in his chest vanishes when he's with me." Mild looked dreamy. Tay sees a glimpse of her mark on her elbow and it glowed in the slightest.  _

_ "What sucked is that I also experience that now that I got my mark. Some elders told us that it will stop eventually. When our relationship is stronger. But for now, my mark and I constantly missed him when he's not here. Even to the point that I get ill if he's far enough that I can't feel him." Milds eyes find his and Tay suddenly feel conscious. As if she's seeing through him.  _

_ "You've complained about the burning too. Right?" She probes. "You must've met your soulmate. Or realized that you love them at some point. Who are they?" _

_ Tay thought, he must've been very stupid. It all makes sense now. He randomly missing his best friend more than he normally does. Or him, feeling safe with him. At ease. No more pain as long as he's by his side.  _

_ But now, he messed it all up.  _

_ A single face flashes in his mind. Shining with joy and wonder. It's immediately replaced with his hurt expression. Eyes reflecting pain and regret. The one that Tay placed in him a few nights ago.  _

_ It's New.  _

_ —  _ **_from There You Are, Chapter 4: Clueless ©ATP_ **

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	5. You Are In Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> special chap featuring Off's confession years ago :>
> 
> [ edit ] hi! I came back to check this and realized that i didn't leave a time stamp :<< i edited it to avoid confusion!
> 
> this happened years ago or the first time Gun discovered Off's feelings. Off's still waiting for Gun's response :&

_Approximately Four Years Ago_

"Love is hopeless devotion, Off," Gun said empathetically.

Off looked at Gun with raised eyebrows. There's doubt in his eyes and his mouth is parted in a way that there are words wanting to come out, but he's short with encouragement to even talk.

"You don't have to say something. You usually don't anyway." Off moved away. Retracting Gun's hand from his shoulders.

"It's not like that, Gun." He protested. "You just say things, surprising words, and they usually sound like it doesn't need a reply."

Gun stayed silent.

"I remember every word. I don't agree at some but I always listen."

—

There's something in the way Off laughs today.

It's not the same boisterous laugh. The loud, unconstrained, and happy.

Today, his smile looks mysterious. As if he's hiding a million of secrets. When he laughed, he looked shy. Conscious even. Like there's a ton of cameras filming him. Trying to spot a flaw. His shoulders shook in a modest way and he stays facing down the whole time.

But he doesn't look unhappy at all. Gun doubt that something has changed. He just looked like he grew up. Which is very understandable. They are all growing. Gun just don't feel comfortable with this growth at all. Somewhere inside of him, is pricked and continuously bleeding with no sign of help at all.

Gun ended up not bothering to think about what his problem is.

"How long have you thought about it?" Off asks over dinner. It's just the two of them today. Arm is off to another one of his many group sleepovers. The other man had been very busy for the last few weeks. Apparently, his deadlines aligned at the end of the month. Gun and Off's schedule is still pretty manageable. There aren't that many group projects. That lead to nights like this. With only the two of them at the apartment. Filling the silence with Arm's _Taylor Swift_ playlist that they only listen to when Arm's not around. 

"What _it_?"

"That love is bad and all."

That made Gun stop. And it also made Off stop. Because it's something they just do. They always wait for each other. Sometimes, it's a problem.

"I don't think love is bad at all." Gun waved a finger at him with dismay.

To that, the older seemed surprised. Off read him wrong. A rare occurrence. That made Gun confused. Although he doesn't like it when people try to guess his personality based on few words or actions from him, he had always been happy taking the comfort of the fact that Arm and Off knows him so well. He doesn't feel the need to explain himself around them. 

"But...you literally just told me that love is a hopeless devotion! Plus, what about all your journals from the last few weeks?"

Off's hands meet the dining table. Clenched and full of protest. The sound of it made Gun jump. Off's expression immediately softens. He sends Gun an apologetic look across the table. 

"Maybe that's just me, expressing my opinion?"

Off looks baffled. A part of Gun wants to ask what him why he's so worked up with this conversation. He usually doesn't ask things like this. He's not the one to care about Gun's ramblings over love. Both of them had been through too many analyses of what love is thanks to Arm. As far as Gun knows, Off isn't interested in topics like this. 

For Gun, it's odd how Off is with romance. When Gun was younger he'd swoon over numerous romantic movies. Cheering with Arm whenever a particularly good scene shows up. Gun used to like the idea of dates. The getting to know portion. Not having a much idea of who the person is and only discovering who they are during the duration of the relationship. Although Gun's experience with love left him jaded from the idea for the last few years, he doesn't think he's that romance averted like Off is. 

Off never understood the idea of dates. Or having crushes. He hadn't seen anyone and thought, _it'd be nice to be with them_. He'd never been infatuated over someone. Off is always the one who provides a different input whenever they talk about the rom-com's they've watched. It always makes Gun think. Because he may have lost half of his faith in love but he still thinks it's wonderful. He just realized he's not ready for it. He won't ever be until he discovers what kind of love is worth taking risks to. 

"So, you do believe in love?" Off changed the topic.

For a moment, Gun stared at him. His face having it's _'isn't it obvious?'_ expression. The taller seemed to get it because he looked away and nodded.

"Even if I, don't believe in love, I don't think that's something that should change your perception, Off." Gun started. Wanting to resolve the other's confusion.

"I understand that it's weird of me to put my two cents on something like _that_ — especially since I kinda stopped talking about love. I just thought that it makes sense. But do know that even if I think like that, I'm not saying that it's bad for you. I don't think that feeling something will ever be bad for someone. At least, you still feel something."

The conversation is momentarily stopped when they realized that they already finished dinner. The two of them quietly cleaned up. Not even speaking as they wash the dishes together or when Gun started sweeping the floor. Off only stood there. Arms crossed and in deep thought. Once finished cleaning, Gun follows Off inside his room. Determined to complete their conversation. 

"I don't believe in love." Off revealed when they're already settled in the room. Adjacent to each other in the mounts of pillows and blankets. It's Gun's turn to be surprised.

"Really?" Gun replied dumbly.

"Yes. Or at least, not before your freshman year."

_Hah. He didn't believe in love for that long?_

"So, that's the reason for that?"

"For what?"

Gun laughed. Remembering their last year in camp. "There has been a fad about how love doesn't last and you used to agree to it. You even took it more seriously than Jane and she's the one with a failed relationship."

"Love just didn't make sense to me at that time. Because you know, my family? I also had this feeling like I'm so disconnected from it. I can't fully understand it. I feel like there's no way I could appreciate romantic love."

Off and Gun had the same experiences, family-wise. The only difference is that Off's ended a tad more peaceful than Gun's. No one had to get stitches on the hospital. Off's mother didn't have the urge to move miles away. Still, the problem is cut from the same tree. Off also had to endure the screaming and the blaming. The older also watch the love he thought he knew, end up in flames. Gun stayed Off throughout all of that. He's sure it isn't great. 

"What changed your mind?"

"Our org seminar in the province." 

"What specifically?" Gun asked. A little uncomfortable.

" _'Love in Other Words'_ discussion. Our last class from the program." He replied. Looking as uneasy as Gun is. 

"That...really changed your mind?" Gun doesn't recall being so persuasive nor did he share something so great for Off to change his mind. His mind head started to hurt trying to remember all the details from that event.

"It did. Kinda surprising, right?"

"Very."

—

"'Love is hopeless devotion'. Made me think of my mom and dad." Of course, it did.

"I didn't mean it to sound bad. If that's what you want to know." Gun said in defense.

"Nah. I just want to know why." Off laid more comfortably in the bed. His eyes closed. The quietness flows peacefully between them and Gun almost doesn't want to destroy the peace. Their lives had been so chaotic. These times are so rare.

"When you're in love, when you love someone, you do things for them. Some crazy, some are okay, some are not understandable." Gun lays beside Off. "I kinda envision it like a religion. The one you love is the god and you're the hopeless follower. You always try to stay on your faith, your love, but sometimes we commit sins. And if it goes just like the religion is, have enough time for reflection and change. Then they will accept you again.

But some are blind fanaticism. You don't see the flaws, you just worship the person. It seems like nothing can tarnish their image in your head. That kinda makes love, a hopeless devotion. Even the healthiest relationship can be hopeless. Many are worse. But even if it's called hopeless, it's not bad at all. I think it's only a consequence of committing to love and to the person. For taking the risk."

"You think, love can't be bad?"

"Of course, it can. You know how it goes."

Off laughed. Loud, unrestrained, happy.

"I totally know how it goes."

The older rolled over and faced Gun. They ended up lying side by side.

"Krist, Wave, and I. Who changed your mind?" Gun decided to ask.

It's Off's turn to give me an _'isn't it obvious'_ face.

"It puzzled me. How you've gone from that boy who used to talk about how wonderful love is to that person I've been with two weeks ago. Someone who told me that love is hopeless and all that, when I told him that I think I love someone."

"I think I came out too strong. I'm sorry." Gun said. Giggling about the realization. Then the younger continued laughing when he realized that the atmosphere is good enough for him to react to things more lightly.

"Yeah. You did." Off jokingly points a finger at Gun. After a moment, his face changed.

"I became afraid. It took me too long to stop thinking that love is a big BS. I got scared that you shared that same view I used to have."

"Why does my perception matter?"

A loud thunder pierced through the air. It made the two of them jump in surprise. Slowly, the sound of rain started to trickle into the room. 

Gun turned around to gather more blankets. It's nice to huddle in warmth when it's cold. When he looked back at Off, he looked worried. His eyes are shining with the reflection of all the unsaid words he wasn't able to convey.

When Off spoke, he sounds so utterly hopeless.

"Silly, if you don't believe in love, how will I make you fall in love with me?"


	6. The Same Dark Sky

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i promised myself that i would not adjust the number of chapters anymore but i did it anyway. 
> 
> this is the last adjustment though :> the next chapter is probably the epilogue!

_New stayed in bed for two days._

_A part of him wants to go out and find wherever Tay is. They still need to talk and settle the misunderstandings. Another part of him still feels mad over the fight. For New, it's so unfair that he can't stay mad at him for even a day and that when he got a justifiable reason to stay away, his own body suddenly turns out like this. Craving his best friends' presence. His mother says that the pain usually worsens if he and his soulmate didn't meet immediately. Yet, New is petty. If they're ever going to talk, Tay should be the one to come. The only thing he regrets that night was punching him. And even that, is something that the older deserves._

_The only problem is, does Tay even want him as a soulmate?_

_New knows he can't really make assumptions over Tay's words. The older is overly defensive when drunk. It doesn't help that he's angry that night. Tay's automatic response to anger is to fight. Then when the drunkness subsides and he's sober again, the older is like an angel. Very apologetic to the point that he's overdoing everything for you. New doesn't want to be around Tay if he's like that. He doesn't want Tay to know his mark if there's a possibility that he's only going to accept it in good spirits because he feels guilty for lashing out on him._

_He might as well get rejected formally this time. If it's possible._

_Two days in bed and like his mother says, his condition worsens. The burning subsided but the coldness takes over his body. There's no warm area on his body except his mark. Whenever he thinks about Tay, which is all the time, the mark reacts. As if saying that they should really talk if he doesn't want to die. That two days passed but he didn't hear anything from Tay. He's kinda worried. But he should be more worried about himself. How did even Tay survive this period when he got his mark? New falls asleep thinking of that time that Tay sleepovers in their house for a whole week. Giddy and overjoyed by his mark. All New could do was caress the time mark. Wondering if there's a possibility that he also has the same mark. Just waiting to appear underneath his skin._

_—_

_New wakes up to the sound of people talking._

_Through his blurry vision, he can make out two figures standing over his room's door. Whispering to each other. Upon realizing that he's up, the other person scrambles away. Leaving the other one in the same place. When they made a move to approach him, he realizes who it is — his mother._

_"You really won't tell who they are?" His mother tenderly whispers to him. Ever since this had started, he refused to let anyone know. He didn't even show her his mark. Afraid that she'll figure out that Tay and he have similar marks. New is sure that his mother won't hesitate to drag Tay to their house. Anything to make him feel better._

_"Who are you talking to?" New asks instead. Even he is surprised by how weak he sounds. There's no way he can go to work soon. His head hurt at the idea of being fired._

_"Your father. He's really worried." A warm hand touches his head. New didn't have to open his eyes to know that his mother is trying to massage it. She really knows where it hurts even if he doesn't say anything. "We expected this but we didn't know it'll be this worse." She comments when New opens his eyes and reaches for a glass of water._

_"Why?"_

_"Since you're young, unlike the other kids, you never liked the idea of having a soulmate. You would always say, 'What if I don't like them? Will I be forced to be with them?'? New laughs weakly at that time. He doesn't remember saying that as a young boy but it does make sense. "It's probably because your father and I decided not to expose you and your siblings too much to the soulmate culture. We don't want to see you one day going home disheartened after realizing that you don't have a soulmate. Especially since all of you are born without any traces of it."_

_New recalls his sisters also not liking it. But their indifference over the soulmate marks and bind that came along with it isn't as strong as New's distaste in it. When they grew old, their views on things changed. Although one of his sisters ended up with no soulmate mark after the due date, she seems to be okay with it. As well as his other sister who found her soulmate at a young age. New expects to not have one. When the day that Tay's mark appeared and he started to wish to himself to have one, he already readied himself for the heartbreak._

_Now that he actually got it, he can't help but still feel lonely. New thought it'll be the happiest period of his life. It turned out to be the exact opposite._

_"I always thought what if I'm forced?" New starts. His mother wipes the tear that automatically falls from his eyes. "But I didn't even think about what if I want them, but they don't want me? What will happen then?"_

_Loud sobs escape New's mouth. Before he knows it, his mom had already pulled his head to her lap. Continuously smoothing the lines in his forehead while whispering It'll be okay repeatedly. He cries like that for a while. Just letting out all the pain he'd been hiding for years._

_"Have you talked to them?" Her voice is calming and it soothes out the burn in his wrist. New wonders if this is the closest he can be to being okay if he won't try to talk to Tay. Still sobbing, he shakes his head as a reply to her question._

_"You have to. If you're not okay, they're probably not too." She insists. "Talk to them. To be sure. You can always try."_

_New knows he eventually has to. He can't run away from it forever. The rational part of him knows that Tay probably didn't mean all the things he said that night. The conversation had started in a misunderstanding anyway. If Tay's anger didn't win his thinking and if New tried harder to explain himself, things could've been better. It's his pride that can't handle it. It fights his understanding and his hope. Crushing the possibility that they have a chance._

_A few years ago, Tay and New promised to be with each other no matter what. It's a surprise that those words carry a bigger weight now. The only thing he has to confirm is if Tay still feels the same. Or if he really had changed and New had somehow missed it through the years._

_"You know who they are, right?" His mother's voice is pleading. A reflection of concern over his son. "Can you call them?" She asks when he nods._

_New starts to search for his phone. His shaky hands trying to feel his mattress. Somewhere there, his phone is buried. He hadn't opened it since that night. New's parents are the one who called his work to tell he can't make it. He wonders if there are text messages or calls but he didn't get his hopes up. Once he's able to retrieve his phone, he releases a sigh before trying to open it. He presses the power button a few times but it won't open._

_"Maybe it's low bat—" New's father's voice cuts his._

_"New! You have a visitor!"_

_— **from There You Are, Chapter Four: Clueless ©ATP**_

_***_

"Tell me again why we haven't had milk in this apartment for years?" Arm questions one morning. Obviously exasperated over the lack of _necessary breakfast items_ in their kitchen. 

"Off is lactose intolerant." Gun pipes in from the balcony. He's hanging their laundry in the early morning. The sun isn't rising much yet but it'll be better to hang it earlier to avoid problems once it rained. One looks at the sky and it definitely looks like there's rain impending to fall. The clouds are darker than usual. 

It's the first time in a while that they're all together at the apartment for the rest of the day. Their rest day finally aligned after months of trying. The three of them decided to do spend it by doing all the impending chores they haven't done while busy. Usually, they will use the time to rest. Probably watch a movie together or walk around the area to see the new establishments. But Gun insisted that they work on their chores today so they didn't have to worry about it once they go back to work and school. 

"Why do we have to adjust for him?" Arm whines.

Gun shakes his head in amusement. He thinks it's funny that Arm still complains 'til now. They've had this conversation a thousand times already. Off will drink milk if he sees one. If they don't want to suffer smelling Off's mess in the bathroom, which is pretty hard to bear, they have to keep away all the dairy products from him. Off's been claiming that he already overcame his condition but no one really wants to deal with his stomach problems. The older is actually the one who's annoyed the most whenever his allergy kicks in. Even if it's his own fault that he's suffering. He lacks self-control if it's about food. 

"Then buy milk when you go to the grocery." Off suggests. He sounds annoyed as he walks out of the bathroom. The older just finished taking a bath. He's fully dressed but a towel still hangs on his shoulder. The floor, now wet because his hair is still dripping with water. Arm winces at the sight. 

"Dry your hair properly!" Gun scolds him as he walks in. In his hands is the empty laundry basket. He's dragging a rug using his feet to wipe up the water droplets on the floor. "You look like my mom." Arm comments from his seat in the dining table. The younger is still wearing his pajamas. He hasn't even washed up. Hair sticking up from different directions. In his cheek are pillow marks from sleeping. Arm thinks he looks silly. Off find him cute. On not-so-busy mornings, they usually bet on who's going to use the bathroom first. Gun lost today. Gun only flips his middle finger to Arm as a response. Rolling his eyes when the other acted offended from what he did. 

There isn't a big change after the whole fight happened. Gun expects things to be awkward — especially with him and Off. The older has the tendency to be awkward without meaning to. He even expects him to appear flustered and clumsy around them considering the talk they had after the fight. Yet, they remained the same. If not, they even became closer. Gun didn't know that it's a possibility. But now, the fire in their relationship burns brighter. Heat stretching to his bones — he forgets that he was once cold. Every day seems like a time to learn more about each other and what was once Gun thought was already a stale friendship continued to sail over the troubling waters. Now, the waves don't bother him anymore. Not when there are two steady anchors by his side. 

Even though it's hard, Gun took the initiative to open up and talk to his friends together and individually. Sometimes about their respective works and his school. When they can, they try to discuss their worries and affirm each other's feelings. Giving each other the validation they need — enough for them to not think about their problems as worthless compared to others. They're moving slowly but surely. Making sure they're walking together towards their goals. 

He also tries to constantly talk to his sister. Not only thinking about his situation but hers too. Gun realized that Pim must've felt alone during days that he shut down. Essentially forgetting that he has a sister waiting for him to at least respond at her messages. He apologized and promised to try harder on being a good brother to her. Pim only replies by asking if he's sick since he'd never been that nice before. Gun took that as a good sign. Even from the start, Pim had always been the stronger one between them. Another thing that Gun didn't see coming is the option of therapy. Apparently, their aunt had been trying to convince Pim to try a few sessions but she often declines. Their aunt had talked to Gun about it. Urging him to also consider it since both of them had experienced _traumatic events_ while growing up. Gun assured their aunt that he will be considering it and will try to talk to Pim in case she changed her mind. The recent developments make his heart rattle — heartbeats unsteady over the rush of shifts between his life then and now. But he just reminds himself that the act of accepting that he needs help is really frightening. However, it's needed for him to be able to move forward.

Although Gun still wishes that the fight didn't happen, he's glad that it opened up a lot of doors for reflection and change. Not only for him but for everyone involved. A part of him remains bothered by the changes. A screaming voice urging him to speed things up and remain moving but he's slowly learning to tune it down. Reminding himself that he'll get better with his own pace. No one expects things to be different that fast. Everything can be done gradually. It doesn't matter if today isn't a good day as long as he keeps thriving to reach a day that he's doing fine. 

"Do we have a budget for that?" Gun asks after he completed his chores. He sits next to Off at the dining table. All of them looking at the grocery list Arm had written a few days ago. Each checking if they have to add something. Beside it is the money they pool for their food budget. 

"Of course." Arm says. "We have a budget for an unplanned coffee shop date. It means we have a budget for milk." Upon hearing that Off chokes on the water he's drinking. Gun's hands immediately travel to his back. Patting it soothingly while laughing. 

"Was that a date?" Gun questions once he's done laughing and Off isn't coughing anymore. Arm points at Off who looks back innocently when he turns to him. While the whole coffee shop fiasco isn't a secret, to begin with, Gun is still surprised that Arm thought it's a date. The idea also crossed his mind that day but he promptly forgot about it. Maybe Off just wanted to hang out with him. 

"Off wants it to be a date!" Arm spills when he sees Off and Gun having eye contact. It elicits a protest from the older. "Shut up! I never said anything like that!" He defends himself indignantly. His face now red from both embarrassment and screaming. 

"Do you talk about me when I'm not around?" Gun asks suspiciously when notices the glare Off sent to Arm. Off instantly shakes his head. The move simply made him more suspicious. On the other side of the table, Arm is smiling evilly. Knowing he has enough blackmail material that Off can willingly surrender his paycheck this month. 

"We do!" Arm replies in a loud manner. His voice successfully covering Off's own objections of "No!" The taller tosses a coin at him in annoyance. He also sends Arm a threatening glare before settling in his seat when Gun tugs him to relax. 

Off is about to fire a comment about Arm to change the subject when Gun pouts at them. Off suddenly shuts up. Looking at Gun with an indescribable face. That only made Arm more amuse. Off's really the one with loud facial reactions out of all of them. "You're keeping secrets from me too?" Gun remarks. Obviously mocking Arm. Across the table, Arm makes a gagging sound. Disgusted by the sudden display of cuteness. Gun only continues to pout because of his reaction. Acting like a child as he leans at the table to tease Arm. 

"Why are we all childish in this friend group?" Off says exasperatedly. Making the other two laugh. 

"But since I'm a great friend, I'll tell you what Off and I talk about that involves you," Arms says. Stealthily standing up before Off can reach him across the table. Gun pushes Off away when he tries to approach Arm. The younger looking excited at the new information. 

"Arm, do you think Gun will ever love me back?" Arm says in his most Off like fashion. Faking his tears and clinging onto Gun like Off would with Arm. The act instantly made Gun laugh. Off looks defeated at the other side of the kitchen. _Arm really did it._ "I love him so much! Why am I like this?" Arm adds. Acting more extravagant than ever. Hands still on Gun. Hugging him tightly while walking around like he's drunk. Gun, who had been the receiver of the act is already wheezing from laughter. The younger is enjoying it more than intended. Off doesn't know how to react to that. 

Deciding he's done with Arm's shit, Off pulls Arm from Gun's hold before he can say another thing. He drags him to the door with the money and grocery lists in hand and locked him out. Outside, they can still hear Arm continuing his act. Knocking at the door and screaming, "You're number one in my heart, Gun." Before effectively leaving. Gun is a bit surprised that none of the neighbors are complaining. It's still early morning and there is commotion already at their apartment. Off releases a sigh once the whole place is silent again. 

When Off turns around to get himself a glass of water, he's welcomed with the sight of Gun still standing in the middle of the kitchen. Gun is smiling from ear to ear while looking at him. Eyes shining in a way that Off had never seen before. Gun doesn't intend to make the older uncomfortable but he's just so happy. He can't even describe it with words. He can't even pinpoint the reason. Just lately, seeing Off had done different things in his heart. At the back of his mind, he wonders if this is the feeling of not restraining what his heart wants — a full-blown whirlwind of feelings enveloping him. But now, he likes it. It's not even scary. He has no complaints whatsoever. 

"What?" Off asks when Gun continued to stare at him. Off walks away, evidently embarrassed now that it's only the two of them. Arm really said all of that when it was supposed to be a secret. Behind him, Gun laughs again. His joy is obvious in his voice. The sound made Off feel lighter. The embarrassment slowly flies away with the tune of the younger's laugh. Before Off realizes it, his already mirroring Gun's smile. The happiness spreading from Gun's heart to Off's. 

***

Off is alone at the apartment. 

After he successfully dispelled Arm's terribly embarrassing act — a series of the other spilling his _secrets,_ the house is silent again. Gun hadn't said anything about it. He just laughed at him. A totally different reaction from what he expected. Off is used to the other brushing away any of his attempts to convey his feelings. Opting in acting as if his confession never happened. At first, Off is very dismayed by it. He didn't mean to confess but he also didn't know that part of waiting for Gun is seeing the other act as if nothing happened. It got better after years though. Unlike the first time he confessed, Gun slowly started to acknowledge his display of affections. He figured that maybe, the sudden declaration of love might have scared the younger. Causing him to shy away from Off. He understands him. Especially since for years, he made it seem like there's no place for love in his life. Off is compelled to prove to the younger that what he feels isn't an infatuation. Nor do something he just said to prevent Gun from not believing in love. 

Something changed after the fight. At first, he tries not to think too much about it. It's probably just Gun being Gun. But he can't help but notice how Gun's hugs are tighter than before. Or how his smiles last longer than he thought it would. When Gun places his hands on him, his touch lingers for an extended amount of time. Off doesn't want to assume but it seems like Gun isn't just reciprocating his feelings, he's also initiating it. The act is totally new to him. He can't help but savor the fullness his heart feels whenever Gun would randomly just looks at him and smiles. The younger's face a reflection of tenderness and admiration. 

Off doesn't want to keep his hopes up. So he decides to wait. 

A few minutes after Arm left to buy groceries, Gun decided it's his time to use the bathroom. Off is left in the kitchen to fend by himself. He doesn't have much to do so he decides to clean the kitchen. Determined to scrub all the stain on the floor and the sink — Gun is a messy cook and Arm has no future in any form of cleaning. He is busy scrubbing the stain near the stove when he hears Gun walking out of the house. Gun told him that he'll be out to buy their lunch because he has no plans for cooking today. Off's answer is a short hum of agreement. Too concentrated on their dirty kitchen. 

Once he's done with the sink, he turns to their floor. The paint marks from the day that Gun decided to paint their walls are still evident on it. Off kinda enjoyed the feeling of scrubbing mindlessly that he didn't even think before kneeling on the floor. He's jamming to Gun's Les Misérables playlist. Singing to the songs with much vigor that he can get casted at a high school production of the said play. There's something about this day, despite the sky being gloomy, that brings Off to a happy place. Like everything is alright and he can feel it without having anyone affirm it for him to believe. He's already on the last stubborn paint mark — the red color that Gun spilled in the floor and failed to remove when he tried. The song _I Dreamed A Dream_ is playing in the speaker and he can't help but sing along. He even tries to copy how Anne Hathaway sing it in the movie when a voice joins him. The voice fails to reach the note and ends up chuckling. It surprised Off who's now sitting on the floor out of shock. 

"How long have you been there?" Off asks when he sees Gun. The smaller has a couple of plastic bags in his hands. He's still in the doorway but he doesn't look like he just arrived. There's a glint of mischief in Gun's eyes and Off can't help but feel nervous. He did kinda look embarrassing. 

"You sing well." Gun compliments. He skips from tile to tile, afraid to ruin Off's progress. "Arm's better." Off replies. He's bad at receiving praises that he's more used to dodging it. "But you're also good." The other counters while placing the food on the table. Off splashes him a bit of the water he's using as a reaction. Puzzled over Gun's actions. 

"We should wait for Arm before eating." Off says after washing his hands. He still feels sheepish over the sight Gun saw earlier that he retired early from scrubbing. Afraid that Gun would take a video and send it to Arm. 

The two of them sit together on silence. Both gazing at the balcony where they can see the sky. "The air smells like rain." Gun comments before fishing for Off's phone. He changed the playlist to Off's rainy day playlist. Off stares at his concentrated face in fascination. No matter how small or large a decision Gun has to take, he always has that look. As if every choice is a matter of life and death. Gun remains oblivious to Off's eyes. It looks like he's having a hard time picking a song. The older start to suggest some while they're scrolling to the set of songs. They're too busy bickering over the list that they didn't hear the initial sound of thunder. Steady raindrops falling slightly after that. It's only when a lone sound of someone getting surprised by another thunder that their bubble was burst. 

Off is frozen at first. His reaction time had always been more delayed than his friends. Gun who has fast reflexes immediately runs towards the balcony. Committed to saving all their laundry before it gets wet. Once the rain started to fall harder, Off is on feet. Now out of his reverie. When he reaches the balcony, Gun stopped him by handing him the first set of clothes. He can't do anything but look at the younger as he goes out again to collect the remaining clothes. As Gun comes back, he rushes to get the other clothes from him before pulling him inside. 

It might be an overreaction but Off is worried that Gun will end up sick because of the rain. Even though the smaller rarely gets a fever, the rain never fails to give him a cold. That's why he and Arm are often cautious about leaving any doors or windows open. A few rough winds and someone can get sick. After putting the clothes in the living room, Off hurries to get a dry towel. Gun is still standing in the kitchen. He's dripping wet despite being under the rain for only a few minutes. The smaller looks confused. Like something happened that he didn't quite understand. Outside, the rain only sounds stronger. Off wishes that Arm brought the umbrella with him.

Off ignores Gun's protests claiming he can dry himself. He's too worried that he just pulled the other close to him to wipe his face and upper body. Scolding the other lightly although what happened can't be avoided. He's too busy trying to check if Gun's shivering that he didn't notice how the younger is looking at him. Just staring with a different shine in his eyes the whole duration that Off is worrying. 

"Why are you smiling, kid?" Off questions exasperatedly once he sees Gun's expression. He's too distracted to process anything. 

Instead of answering right away, Gun snatches the towel from him. Then proceeded to tenderly wipe Off's face. "You got wet too." He replies softly. Ruffling Off's hair in the same way Off does to him. He didn't even notice how close he and Gun are. But now that he's aware, he can't help only see him. All the background noises fading. All of a sudden, Off like is taken away from their apartment. There's no one in his mind but only he and Gun who is still looking up at him with a big smile.

"Hey," Gun whispers to him. Not having any indication of wanting to pull back. "Yes?" Off automatically answers. Already lost in the other's eyes. "I have a secret," Gun replies. Off leans in more. Eager to hear the other and what seems like their own little conspiracy. 

He notices how Gun's eyes got bigger from his actions. Surprised by his courage. Off is about to pull away to give him space when Gun pulls him instead. Smaller hands cupping his face. 

"I love you," Gun confesses shyly. Off freezes in his spot. His heart hammering in his chest. He didn't even notice that he's smiling ear to ear. Still staring at Gun. What shocked him more when Gun suddenly leans up to him. Before he could ask what the other's going to do, his lips collided with Gun's. Off's eyes flutter close as he presses their lips closer. It's deemed hard to do so because he can't help but smile. Gun is also smiling at him. Their teeth getting in the way and preventing them to deepen the kiss. Yet, Off can't help but think that it's probably the best kiss he's had his whole life. _Gun is the person he has in his life._

"I've said it," Gun says out of nowhere. Seemingly stunned about the events. His face now in different shades of red. He smiles one more time to Off before turning back immediately. 

"Hey!" Off calls as he pulls back Gun one more time. Now wanting to keep him close more. The younger tries to escape his hold but he's not having it. He traps him between the refrigerator and his body. "Can you say that again?" Off sounds so earnest that Gun is weak to his request. "I'm embarrassed." The smaller croaks out. Turning his head away to prevent them from getting lost in each other's eyes again. Off only chuckles at that. Also turning his head to meet Gun's. 

"I love you too. So much." He murmurs to him. Off is smiling too much that his cheek hurt. But he didn't mind. He thinks that looking at Gun with his wild eyes and red face is definitely worth it. This time Off is the one who leans in. His mind screaming _cute_ in different volumes when he sees Gun closing his eyes upon noticing his action. 

He's about to kiss him again when a singing voice cuts their moment.

"You can stand under my umb—"Suddenly, Off and Gun are pulled into reality. Now conscious of their position as Arm stands at the door. Speechless and gawking at them. Off sighs upon seeing Arm. Still with Gun in his arms. 

"What the heck?" Arm exclaims after he recovered from the sight. "I hope you'll learn to make out inside your room because I don't want to go home seeing that again." He comments while dragging the bags of groceries inside. Off didn't make a move to help him. His arms just wrapping to Gun who had been laughing and hiding his face on his chest out of embarrassment.

"Anyway, I'll never forgive the two of you if ever try to do something on the couch or in my room." Arm laughs as he looks at the other two's dumbfounded expressions. 

"Ew! We're not like that!" Gun protests while walking away. Locking himself inside Off's room without realizing that the owner is still outside. The sound of Arm and Off's laugh overpowers the rain outside. Without much saying, all of them feel lighter than ever.

This day is definitely _different._ Unlike the other rainy days. 

***

_Tay waited outside New's workplace consecutively for two days. He would arrive there thirty minutes before New's out from work but the younger didn't show up. Every minute that he doesn't see even the younger's shadow makes him grow antsy. Worried of New although he has no clue where he is. He doesn't even know why but he just knows that New isn't okay. The possibility that the younger might've been enduring what he's feeling alone causes his guilt to grow larger. New have a tendency to keep to himself when he's having a hard time. Shutting down in a way that no one could melt away his resolve._

_Tay knows that it'll be hard to make the younger forgive him. What he did cause a lot of pain to New. He knows it by the expression in his face when he punched Tay. Like he's the one who received the hit. The hurt is recognizable in his face. At that time, Tay realized that he's wrong. If he just knew that he wouldn't see any trace of him after that, he should've stopped him from entering the house. Tay should've stayed by his side until they're both sober enough to comprehend and talk about things. Now, Tay isn't even sure if his best friend still wants to see him anymore. The possibility that New will only push him away once they meet scares him. Still, it's a risk he has to take. He's determined to make things right this time. Screw the soulmate marks or whatsoever. He doesn't need that if it only causes him to lose people he treasures the most._

_When the second day passed and New is still nowhere in sight, Tay decided to go to his house._

_He's certainly nervous. Tay isn't sure if New's parents heard about their fight. His best friend's parents are nice but they don't tolerate fighting. If they knew, Tay would definitely get a handful of words along with New. A preach of how better communication would've avoided any misunderstandings if they want to. Tay wishes he had received that from them before their son decided to punch his face. Things probably ended differently if they've talked some sense to him before allowing them to drink._

_Once he arrived, he was greeted by New's father. The older man's expression is grim but he didn't say anything. He just ushered Tay to enter. Silently guiding him to New's room. Something about the quietness of the house makes Tay's heartbeat fast. It's like, something bad happened and he's about to see it with his eyes. He's not sure if he's ready for it._

_"Is New okay?" He musters the composure to ask. Not quiet handling the aura of seriousness that suffocates him. For some reason, his mark started to flare up too. It made him reach for it instantly. Annoyed that it's suddenly acting up. New's father didn't miss the sight. "Not really." The older man replies to him. Still eyeing his hand on his wrist. The answer made Tay's heart drop. Maybe he shouldn't have asked. But he has to. When he was about to ask a question again, New's father opens the door._

_"New! You have a visitor!"_

_The first person he sees is New's mother. She is sitting on the bed next to a very sick looking New. Unconsciously, his feet take him to the bed. He wants to make sure that he's seeing this right._

_"Are you okay? What happened?" He bursts out. Speedily approaching New to the other side of the bed. His hand immediately goes to New's forehead, checking his temperature. New flinches at the motion but he ignored it. The younger is incredibly cold. What's happening?_

_"I'm dying." New croaks out from his place. He sounds so serious that Tay suddenly has the urge to cry. "New!" screams New's mother. Evidently scolding him from her tone. "I'm just joking." He mutters laughing. Hands going out of the mattress to shoo his parents away. New's parents look at them worriedly for a while before going out of the room._

_"Are you really dying?" Tay asks seriously. He's already anxious about the possibilities. His mind running around tirelessly, wishing that it's really a joke._

_"Will you cry if I do?" New replies. He's about to answer when the younger speak again. "Of course, I'm not. Do I look like I'm dying?" The tone he used is light but there's an underlying seriousness in his voice._

_"You look...very sick. What happened?"_

_"I dunno. I just woke up like this." The response earned a sigh from Tay._

_"Have you seen a doctor?"_

_"No. It's not like they can help me anyway."_

_"Why?"_

_"Nothing. Okay?" New said dismissively. "Why are you here anyway?"_

_"I went to your workplace. I waited for you for two days but you weren't there." Although Tay is a mix of unsettling feelings now, he can't help but notice that he feels so much better. It's always been like that with New. Whenever he's with him, it's like his body hadn't made him suffer since the mark appeared. He doesn't want to hope that it means something but he really wishes that it does. Deep inside he had always wished for that._

_"Obviously, I am bed-ridden." New humor him. Gesturing to himself and his situation._

_"I'm sorry." Tay can't help but say. It's at the tip of his tongue since that night. It's only a matter of when he's able to say it. "It's okay. I understand that you didn't mean it." The other says. Ever the good one between them. He even manages to understand the other things Tay can't say. He really doesn't deserve New._

_"Even if you understand, it doesn't mean I shouldn't say sorry. What I did warrants more than words." Tay insists. New only reaches for his hand. Expertly knowing where his mark is. The moment the younger touches it, a jolt of electricity flows in Tay's veins. He expected it to hurt yet it only soothes him. Like it's ridding all the ill-fitting memories he'd created since it appeared._

_"Good." New pinches his hand. "I'm not going to talk to you anymore if you hadn't asked for forgiveness. It's great to know that you have the balls to recognize your faults." The younger is smiling now. Tay can't help but reach his cheek to pinch him. He's looking sickly earlier but now, he's glowing._

_Upon inspecting, the other touches his cheek. Fingers brushing over his healing bruise. "My punch is probably stronger than yours. You've punched me before but my bruise didn't look like that." New notes._

_"Shut up! I went easy because it's you." Tay nudges his hand away since New looks determined to make it worse. The reaction made him laugh. It's loud and free from resentment. It's been a while since he heard New laugh like this. He can't help but stare and smile softly. When they end up having eye contact, New chokes._

_"Hey! Take it easy." He scolds. Already on the process of getting a glass of water for him. "You're cold?" He asks when he realizes that the younger is bundled up with a sweater. Tay's about to get the glass from New's hands when the younger dodges him. A panicked look settling in his face. "Are you sure you're okay?" He asks once more. New only nods at him before putting the glass in his side table._

_"Is there anything I can do for you?" Tay whispers while tucking the other in. He wants to talk to him more but New looks sleepy again._

_The younger tugs at his hand before answering. "Nothing in particular. Just stay with me for a while." New yawns and Tay smiles at that. He pushes the younger gently to the side and lays beside him._

_"I'll be here when you wake up," Tay promises. New's answering smile is the last thing he remembers before falling asleep._

_— from_ **_There You Are, Chapter Five: There You Are: The Conclusion ©ATP_ **

  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	7. Goodbyes and Beginnings

_ Tay is used to people calling him a coward.  _

_ He's the odd one out. Even as he is growing up, his cousins would tease him about being afraid all the time. At first, he didn't mind it. After all, everyone has their own set of fears. His are just so apparent. But time came where he eventually grew tired of the mockery. Instead of facing his fears, he settled on staying away from it. Tay tried so hard to mask his fear with indifference. Almost as if it didn't exist in the first place. Just like that, he didn't feel fear for years.  _

_ Until he met New.  _

_ New is the exact opposite of who Tay is. The brave one. Always in touch with his emotions. Unapologetically vocal about his opinions. Tay thought that the two of them would never get along. They are on the opposite side of the spectrum. It'll be a stretch to bring themselves together. Still, before he knows it, New and he met in the middle.  _

_ For the first time in his life, Tay felt that someone actually understands him. Along with the great time he has with his best friend, the fear of losing him in the future continuously snuck up on him. There are days where he would just stop and stare at New's ever glowing face and wish that he could freeze time. Just to have New by his side all the time.  _

_ Tay may have loved him more than a best friend does but what is not scary about falling in love with your own best friend? _

_ Both of them spent their days of youth dancing around each other. Equally anxious to make a move. Terrified that their relationship will be altered 180 degrees. And the wonderful bond they have right now will just vanish. Replaced by the reality that love isn't always big smiles and full laughter. The tears are always at bay and problems on edge. _

_ When his soulmate mark appeared, he felt rather relieved. He doesn't have to fall in love with his best friend. He doesn't have to take the risk and lose him in the process. Things will be fine. Tay and New may not be soulmates but it still mean that they're going to be best friends for a long time. No need to take a leap over a dangerous boundary.  _

_ There's a section of Tay's heart that still grieves over the lost opportunity. That wishes they could've just tried. A part that still mulls over the possibility that a new day will come where a similar mark will show up in New's wrist. Sometimes, the same heart dreams that he is strong as New. Because if he is, then he probably ignored the soulmate mark before to be with New. Maybe the mark and his heart desires different people. It's just a matter of what part will Tay listen to.  _

_ "If my mom sees you with that, he would kick you out." New shows up from the garage. Tay had been sitting outside their house for a while. His cigarette remains untouched. Ever since he saw New's condition last week, he can't get himself to leave. The urge to stay by New's side is stronger than ever.  _

_ "How do you smoke here if she doesn't approve?" He questions. He got rid of the cigarette, tossing it as far as he can. Tay ignores New's frown. "I'm not a chain smoker like you. I only smoke when I'm stressed and when no one's around." New replies. That is true. But it's also funny since it's New that influenced him to smoke. Weird how the tides turned.  _

_ "Why are you still here? I'm already well. You don't have to stay." _

_ "Why do you keep on pushing me to go home?" New got better two days after he visited. He looked like he didn't get sick and Tay is amazed by it. Still, even on the first day, New had been coaxing him to leave. Convincing him that he's already okay. Normally, Tay would listen. This time though, he just can't. He doesn't want to go and he doesn't know how to say this to New.  _

_ Tay is still thinking about what he and Mild talked about. He's not sure why it's his best friend who's the first one that appeared in his mind after that conversation. He can't help but think that it's probably because it's him that he'd been wishing to be his soulmate. Only he doesn't want to get his hopes high. He tried so hard to deny the truth that it almost cost him their friendship. Tay is still scared but this time, he's willing to take the leap for New.  _

_ "You have work to do. Better things to put your attention to. You won't get anything done by staying here." New points out. He remained frowning. His eyes far away. Not daring to look at him. Tay finds it weird. At the same time, he can't help but get hurt. Ever since the fight, New is avoiding him. They've spent the whole week together but the younger seems to have a high wall that even Tay's persistence can't break. It's like, New chooses to not let him in. Not even interested in him trying. He wonders if this is how the other felt when Tay is so hell-bent on convincing himself that it's fine if his soulmate is not New. Unconsciously pushing him away in order to forget him. _

_ "I'm on a break," New's eyebrows raise at that. Side-eyeing him. "You're fine right? Do you want to drive around?" Tay didn't even wait for New's response. He instantly stands up to enter the house. Rummaging over the mess in New's side table to find his keys. When he goes out again, New is still standing there. Dazed and conflicted.  _

_ New didn't complain when he pulled out of the driveway. He silently entered the car and puts on his seat belt. Not sparing Tay a single glance in the process. However, for Tay, it's enough that New is complacent despite the plans being random. It means he still want to be around him.  _

_ "Where are we going?" The other breaks the silence. They've been driving for almost thirty minutes and no one dared to speak. The awkwardness is suffocating — it slowly kills the courage Tay had been building up inside him. "Just...somewhere." He replies in a beat. He reaches out blindly for the stereo. Eyes still on the road. What he didn't know is that New also goes for it. Wanting to dispel the uneasiness in the air. The moment their hand meets, a surge of electricity is felt by both. They pulled back unconsciously. Shocked by the sudden current. Nothing like this had ever happened before. Tay wants to ask a question but New resorted into staring outside the car's window. Scratching his wrist under his long sleeve.  _

_ "Wait! I know this way." The other suddenly exclaims as they drive past their town's border. When Tay sneaks a look at him, he looks happy. Giddy even. A lost spark in his eye somewhat returning from months of disappearance. "I figured we could go there. It's been a year since we last went there." He says through his smile. He can't help but feel excited too. A random trip to their memory lane.  _

_ When Tay and New are still in high school, they used to go to Tay's cousins' old music school. It's a small place near the mountains outside their town. The school only has one room and while Tay and New loved the place to bits, the business didn't last. Tay's cousin appreciated the dedication they have for the place and left a key for them. They go there to hangout. They carried the aged couch outside. Placed it in the back to see the view of the mountain and the trees. It's refreshing for their chaos-filled teenage years. A silent place that isn't suffocating. It's been their place for years. Even when they started to get busy and entered adulthood, a piece of them is left there. Savoring the stillness that keeps them grounded.  _

_ "We should've sent someone to clean the area when we're busy." New notes as he fishes for his necklace. He's been wearing it since forever. When Tay asked him to keep the key, he made it as another pendant.  _

_ Tay makes a noncommittal hum, pushing the gates when the lock clicks. The old school still looks at the same. Although it's obvious that it's unkempt. When he surveys the area, all he can see is the flashes of memories they made here. Tay grows cold with longing.  _

_ "It's cool how no one tries to loot the place," Tay says when they enter the room. From memory, everything seems intact since the last time they saw it. Tay picks up the lone guitar at the corner of the room before beckoning New to the back. The couch is still there. In good condition too. He sits immediately and New follows.  _

_ The only sound is Tay strumming the guitar. Their silence giving room to each other's thoughts.  _

_ "If you're trying to make me feel better because of the fight, you should stop. I'm not mad anymore." New states while sinking further to the sofa. Half of his body lying on it. He uses his arms to shield his eyes from the sun. "I'm not doing this because of that." Tay places the guitar next to the couch. "Do I need a reason to do this? Can't I just do this because I want to?" He continues.  _

_ "You never do things without reason, Tay."  _

_ "I really want to spend time with you, okay?"  _

_ New straightens in his spot. Now looking determined. As if his statement had changed something in his mind. Tay can only hope that it's a good thing.  _

_ "Can I ask you something?" New asks to which Tay nods his head automatically. "Hypothetically..." He starts, sounding unsure. "What if, I'm your soulmate. Would you like that?" _

_ Even thinking about the idea of having New as a soulmate makes Tay's heart soar. It's surprising how the feeling is automatic. He didn't even know how long he had lived with that emotion and not noticing it 'til now. The question left him speechless. Not remembering to answer until he hears New sigh. Afraid that he'll lose interest to continue the conversation, Tay grabs his hand. Stopping New's train of thoughts.  _

_ "Of course." He says after a while. Eyes searching for the other. When New looked back, he looks disbelieving. "Are you sure about that?" _

_ "Look, all the things I said that night, I didn't mean it. Even though all of that was lies, it doesnt change the fact that I shouldn't have said it."  _

_ "Your words sound believable that night. Almost like you've been holding back from saying that for long." New laughs but it's humorless. "I've spent years second-guessing our relationship. When your mark appeared, I had prepared myself to lose you. There's only a little chance that I'll get a mark. We both know that. Now, you're acting as if we're back to our old years. Like, you're still mine to wait for. Why?" _

_ "But I am. Even after all these years, I've never felt like I belong the way I do when I'm with you. It's always been you." _

_ Tay blames it to the fact that he believes so much to the soulmate marks. He'd fear falling in love with New for so long — frightened that it will only drive them to an end. When the marks appeared, he thought maybe it's the sign that they both don't have to wait until they're ready. Because he is fated with someone else and New will find someone eventually. He is so steered with fear that he chose to run away again. Not knowing his choices would hurt them further. Tay forgot about all the years they spent together. The promises New thought he'll keep. Even if it wasn't official, they've always made it seem like it's them at the end. What happened sent the message that the years New spent waiting for him to be ready are bound to nothing.  _

_ Now, all Tay can think of is how willing he is to wait for New to be willing to accept him again. Just like how New did for the past few years. _

_ Maybe the idea of having this soulmate is really appealing. Still, Tay knows he'll never love a complete stranger the same way he loves New. His best friend is right, why can't they just pick? Why can't it be just New? _

_ "What if you're my soulmate?" Tay repeats the question. "I dunno what I'll feel. Probably a lot. But for sure, I'll be so fucking happy." _

_ "And if I'm not?" New interjects.  _

_ "You're still my best friend. I'll always choose you." _

_ "You can't promise things like that."  _

_ "I know. But it's better to try than to lose you because of settling." Tay stares at him right in the eye. Hoping his sincerity reaches him. "You've been wasting your years dedicating yourself to a prick like me. How about I try to do the same thing now? Would you let me take the leap with you?" _

_ For a moment, New only looked at him. Eyes glistening with unshed tears. Tay knows he still have to prove that this won't be like the last time. He's so nervous that New will reject the idea. Now determined to push him away like how he intended for the other to do at first.  _

_ "There's something I want you to see." Is what New answers instead. His smile is wavering but Tay tries to encourage him as much as he can.  _

_ New pulls away from him to fix his sleeves. Slowly folding the other before going for the one left. He doesn't miss how the younger's hands are shaking. He wants to hold it but New seems determined to not let him touch him. When New makes a move to raise his arm, wanting him to see something under the sleeve, a phone rings.  _

_ Tay can hear New's grumble before searching for his phone. His sleeves fall back again. The other having sweater paws and it's endearing if only New's nit anxious over what the person on the other side of the call is saying. He's still wondering over what New will show him. He scans his mind over the likelihoods of him showing him a matching soulmate mark. Still, their conversation doesn't seem to lean on that. His next theory is a new tattoo since they planned to get another one. This time, together. Maybe New went on to get it by himself. It probably means that it's New's answer.  _

_ "We have to go now." New said hurriedly. Already rising on his feet to exit the place. Tay follows him without asking. "What happened?" Tay asks as they drive to the highway. "Drive straight to the hospital. My niece is admitted there." New is anxiously using his phone. He can't find the heart to interrogate the other about what happened so he tried to keep his mouth shut for the mean time. He wants to hold New's hand but he wavers. Not sure on where they stand now.  _

_ Upon arriving at the hospital, New rushed through the doors. Tau doesn't want to intrude so he stayed at the waiting area. Anxiously walking back and forth. He doesn't have a clue about the situation but he's very worried for the kid.  _

_ "Stop doing that. Sit down." A voice says. It made him slow down immediately. "She's okay. It's just an allergic reaction. She's stable now." New's father is sitting at one of the chairs at the waiting room. He has a cup of coffee in his hands and appears unbothered over the commotion.  _

_ Tay trusts the older man's words. He tries to relax by sitting beside the man. Wanting as much reassurance as he can get.  _

_ "The two of you — did you talk?" New's father didn't say anything about him being on their house for long. Probably because he's used to it. But it did seem like he wants to ask something to them yet can't find a right timing to do so.  _

_ "Yeah. We did." Tay answers. Avoiding the scrutinizing gaze of his best friends' father. "Everything okay now?" He says after sipping his coffee.  _

_ "I hope so." _

_ "You're not sure?" _

_ "We haven't finished talking yet. Your son is hard to crack." His comment made the older man chuckle.  _

_ "What about the mark, did he show you?" The questions confuses Tay. New hadn't mentioned anything about a mark.  _

_ "What mark?" _

_ "He got it after you had a drink together. He refused to show us nor tell us who matches his mark. Made him really sick too. I was worried that maybe it's because he's rejecting his soulmate. Or worse, his soulmate doesn't want him." The man is frowning while recounting the events. "I had an inkling that it's you but if he hadn't shown you, maybe you're not..."  _

_ The next words didn't register straight to Tay's mind. What his mind thinks of is the fact that maybe, that's what New will show him. He's instantly back from the time he got his mark. The pain is excruciating. Like a burn that he can't quite treat. It only started to dissipate when New showed up to take care of him. Even after he recovered from the sudden appearance of the time mark, the only way he felt safe is when he's with New. All the foreign feelings are gone the moment he get a whiff of the other's presence. That scared Tay too much. Because he thought he's only falling further. He has a mark and New doesn't. He have to stay away. But what if, like Mild said, the pain disappeared because his soulmate is there with him? What if it's really New? It makes so much sense that Tay feels very stupid. Why hadn't he noticed anything from the start? The circumstances are odd. The only reason they rejected the possibilities is because they're positive that New won't get a mark. Like his own parents and sister.  _

_ New has a mark. The statement kept on repeating in Tay's head. Thoughts swirling around without control. It makes him dizzy with hope.  _

_ His best friend returns after a few minutes. His face indescribable. He ignored Tay and his father who's looking at him with curious eyes. Instead, he went on to sit beside Tay.  _

_ "She's okay. They made it seem like she's on a bad condition. I got anxious for nothing." New mumbles from his seat. He eyes his father's coffee and upon realizing that the older man had lost interest in it, he snatched the cup and downed in one go. The warmth burned his mouth but he didn't mind it. The coffee isn't that hot anyway.  _

_ "I'll go check on them." New's father says. He nods at Tay before leaving. Tay took it as a cue. When the man disappeared on one of the doors, he turns his attention to New who's already preoccupied with his phone.  _

_ "Your father said something about your mark." His remark made New stop. "Do you know who it is?"  _

_ "I know." Tay is about to say something but New continued speaking. "I've known since the start but I'm not sure what to feel about it. I figured I should try to understand what I feel before telling anyone." _

_ "Is that what you're going to show me earlier?" New nods at him. "What do you feel about it?" _

_ "I felt cheated. It's so weird. My whole life there's no traces that I'll eventually have this. I've put myself in so much emotional turmoil thinking we are impossible." New caresses the fading bruise in Tay's face. His expression both of hope and sadness. "Then I punched you one night and when I wake up, I expect an ache from the force I used. I expect it from my heart. Yet, what I got is a mark." _

_ Tay reaches out for New's wrist and the other gasps at that. Every fiber of his being is full of curiosity, urging him to full the sleeves up and see it for himself. But he fight it. New isn't done talking and he doesn't want to rush into anything.  _

_ The younger places his hand on top of his. "We're so stupid." He remarks before guiding his hand to pull the sleeves up.  _

_ Tay's cry when he sees the mark — 1:21 AM matching his, sounds so foreign to his ears. He'd never cried so happily before. New laughs at his reaction. Hands already in his face to wipe his tears. He can't help but smile through his tears, holding New's tear-stained hands to kiss it.  _

_ The electric current that runs in their veins startles them. This is definitely real.  _

_ "We're really so stupid." He agrees. Tay pulls his best friend — now his soulmate into a hug. Being in his arms felt like coming home after years of wandering. He's warm all over and so, so happy.  _

_ Tay used to wonder if New is waiting for the same thing. A familiar, or a stranger's face in the crowd. The familiar burning around their wrists as they kiss at the right time. The words, "There you are." Leaving his lips as they realize for the first time that they're fated. That they've found each other regardless of all odds. And all the pain and longing will eventually subside. Because their souls finally found where they belong to. The recent events made him realize that New isn't looking for the same thing. Because those fantasies doesn't apply to them.  _

_ "I've been looking at different places all this time. I forgot to look around me. It took me long to recognize that there you are, waiting for me to see you." Tay cups New's face and mirrors the smile in his face. "I'm glad it's you." He says before stepping further. Sealing the words with a kiss.  _

_ —  _ **_from There You Are, Chapter Five : There You Are; The Conclusion ©ATP_ **

***

"You're so stupid." Arm says between gritted teeth. Whisking Off away from the claw machine. 

It's already afternoon. Gun was dragged by the two since early morning to go back to their Uni. Arm wants to attend the Valentine's Fair since he missed it last year. The younger had no choice but to come with them. It's been weeks since they've spent some time together. 

Before Gun had graduated, he's probably more inclined to say that he's the one who will move out first after college. What surprised him is Arm suddenly announcing that he has to move out, a few months before his graduation. Apparently, a good opportunity came and Arm can't decline it. Especially that it's something that Arm really wants. Between internships and completing his remaining requirements, Gun helped the other to find an apartment suitable for him. Both avoiding to discuss what will happen once he's ready to leave. 

"Just give up." Gun ended up saying. They'd been using the machine for almost 30 minutes. He's surprised that they still have money left. The two probably lost on most games than winning anything. 

"Wait for a few minutes." Off says. He's back to operating the machine again after Arm failed for the nth time. "We're gonna get that." Pertaining to the dog plushie he's been eyeing from the start. 

Arm moving away wasn't a big deal. Gun thought that there will not be much difference once he leaves. Arm had been busy with work prior to his new job offer. He barely had time to spare by idling at the house. Still, when his things are already out of the house and he's already settled in his new apartment in the city, Gun can't help but feel his absence. Off and he is still in the house yet it feels like there's so much unoccupied space inside. Their place is small. It barely fit the three of them. But with Arm gone, they're left with an enormous absence. 

The older had joked that at least, he and Off have the place to themselves now. More space for them to do things. He even refused to contact them for the first two weeks. Just wanting to try if they can survive without each other. Yet, once the feeling of being alone along with the homesickness started to kick in, Arm opted to calling him frequently. Gun wants to ask why Arm doesn't try to call Off but he realizes that it's probably because they know each other too well. Both Gun and Arm know that Off isn't great at dealing with people close to him, being away. That's why it's always him and Arm sending off each other when they have to leave. Off only comes around when they're going back. Always volunteering to fetch them. In his eyes the words,  _ 'I'm glad you're back at home.' _ It was hard to adjust at first. Almost to the brink of Gun wondering if they've become too dependent on each other because the absence just kept on creeping on them. Off says that's only because this is the first time that one of them is away. They've spent the duration of their friendship sticking close to each other. It's normal to miss one another. 

Slowly but surely, things got better. Gun tries hard to help his best friends. He was reminded of that time when Arm's mother remarks that it's great that they have each other. All of them are aware of what they can do and what they can't. Each of them tries to fill up the holes by doing what the others can't. Helping each other 'til the end. She said that they're like a house. Arm is the roof that protects them from too much heat or rain. The one that makes the blows of life softer. Off is the walls that protect them from the inside. Sturdy and tall. Ready to hear them out in the silence. And Gun, Arm's mother says that he's their light. The one that guides them out of the dark. The beacon of hope that appears on the darkest days. His light may have shined darker for a time being but he's still there, willing to light their path wherever they go. Everytime Gun remembers that, he's reminded that he's not useless. He has a fitting role among them. Upon realizing that he's been adjusting well, Gun tries to help his friends as much as he can. Arm's random calls become frequent and he answers every single one of it when he can. Nevermind that it's 3 AM and he had to whisper as he talks because Off is sleeping deeply beside him. 

"Let's have lunch. We'll just go back here after eating." He says to convince them to leave. This is the first time they're seeing each other since Gun's graduation and they're already doing this. Nothing much has changed. 

Seeing how exasperated Gun is, Off is the first to give up. The other immediately going next to Gun to give him a side hug. Making sure he's not upset. Arm pretended to not see anything. He's still not used to seeing his friends being couply. Moreso Off being cutesy. It sends goosebumps to his skin. 

"Why are there too many outsiders this year?" Arm notes. They decided to walk by the front grounds and instantly regrets it. The three of them caught up in a large unmoving crowd. "The fundraising is big-scale this year," Gun replied. He's holding onto the hem of Off's t-shirt. Trusting him to guide him out of the herd of people. "There's also new added booths and events. They're expanding every year." Off says when they successfully exited the mass of people. The older still looking around the number of booths at every corner of the campus. 

"It's kinda unfair that this only happens once the three of us are officially out of the campus." Arm brushes his hair up. It's only long now. Probably longer than Off's. The yellow highlights too obvious under the sun. When they first talked about the color, Gun thought it'll be funny. But seeing it now outside the computer screen, it oddly suits Arm. Off's red highlights are starting to fade and Gun's green one already grew out. Their concept for their traffic light hair was decided when Off bet that he would dye his hair if Gun ends up being one of the top students in their batch. He wants to be offended by his boyfriend's obvious lack of faith in his abilities. Especially knowing Off hates doing anything with his hair. Still, Gun realized it'll be fun to bet on it and proposed for them to do it together.  _ Proving Off wrong is his favorite thing to do.  _

"It probably means that the new students are better at organizing than us," Gun says which earned an offended look from the other two. "The uni also lifted a few restrictions." He add to prevent them from scolding him. 

They take the long way to the back of the university. It's weird how the campus is structured. There are two of everything. One at the front and is very accessible and one at the back. Mostly, it's littered with students who don't want to brave the way to the gates. Throughout the years they spent at the university, their choice is always the back ones. Personally, Gun likes it because of the peaceful facade it omits. It's like he's transported to a different place away from the rowdy freshmen and intrusive seniors. The three of them didn't have to talk about it. Their feet automatically taking them to the back cafeteria.

When they arrived, the first familiar students that Gun spotted is Ssing and Mook. Arm and Off volunteered to buy their food and he ends up standing at the side. He feels a bit of a pride seeing them still spending time together. Gun remembers when they're still freshman. Awkward and too shy to socialize. They barely know other people at the campus. He figured they could use a friend so he introduced them to each other. Hoping they'll get along although they have different majors. Years later and they remain the same even when Gun graduated. It's a cool thing to think about. 

"Hey," he greets, sitting in the chair opposite to the two. "Gun!" they simultaneously cheered. Shocked and happy at his sudden appearance. 

"It's been a while! How are you?" Mook asks.

"I got busy with work. I didn't have much time to visit." He says to them. He feels apologetic since he promised to visit as often as he can. Mook nods to his response. "How's your work? Is it fun?" Ssing asks. Sounding genuinely interested. 

Having a formal job is totally different from his part time jobs in college. He was too anxious at first. Knowing he'll have to fuck up a lot of times before he gets better. Gun didn't even know if he likes his job at first. He's just grateful that he has one. Eventually, Gun found himself being well adjusted at work. He goes to bed looking forward to another day at the office. A feat that he's really proud of. Doing something he wants to do inspires him to be better. A new goal rising up in his mind as he continue to work harder. Gun started dreaming again — he thought he'd lost that ability a while ago. 

"I work on a magazine company. At first, I didn't know what I'm getting to but it became enjoyable when I'm done adjusting." Gun scoots over to give space to his best friends. They greeted Ssing and Mook while placing their food on the table. Despite being years apart, they get along well. Arm and Off had always been good to their juniors. 

They started to eat while catching up. The three seniors are truly interested on the changes implemented on the system as well as how the juniors are adapting to their last year. The cafeteria is practically deserted so when someone arrives, both outsiders, it caught Gun's attention. Normally, the outsiders doesn't know the way to the back building. He assumes that the two are alumni since they successfully navigated their way to the place. Gun is too focused on trying to see the new comers that he didn't noticed that the others are looking too. When the outsiders decided to sit in the table next to them, it dawned in Gun why they're uncharacteristically familiar. 

He instantly turns to Mook and Ssing who equally looks amused. "Is that...Bouque—" Ssing hastily covers his mouth. Because of the shock, Gun forget to lower his volume. Next to him, Off is laughing his guts out. He receives a pinch to the elbow from the younger. 

"That's him. Please lower your voice." Ssing says when he's sure that Gun got the message. "Where's his bouquet?" Arm asks in Gun's place. 

"It's gone." Mook replies happily. "He's with Fluke. Are they..."

"Like you and Off? Yes. They are." Ssing confirms. "Cool." Gun automatically says. Speechless over the information. After almost five years, the bouquet guy is finally dating someone. They shouldn't even call him that now. The flowers are long gone. 

"Wait, how did you even know about us?" Gun exclaims. When the two looked disinterested in answering, he looks at them threateningly. "Everyone knows." Arm supplies, sipping at his water while he nods at the younger students. "Off kinda...posts about you all the time in his social networks. We thought your relationship isn't that much of a secret." Ssing explains further. Gun automatically turns to Off who has the guts to look at him innocently. He pinches his arm again before going back to eating. "It's not my fault you don't know how to use the internet." Off reasons. 

"When did that happen?" Arm questions. Right on cue to change the topic and save Off from Gun. "At the graduation. Fluke is different major from Gun. Maybe that's the reason why you didn't know. But he showed up there and gave the flowers to Fluke. It was kinda cute. There's a video." Mook recalls. 

"Send the video to me later!" Arm replies excitedly. 

"Gun, remember you used to tell us that you've seen the guy since the first time he went to the fair?" Gun nods while chewing his food. "Don't you think it's cool that you also got into a relationship at the same time? Maybe that's your luck from him." Ssing suggests. 

Gun swallows before talking. "Nah. I told you that urban legend isn't true. Give him a break and don't form assumptions over a man you don't know." He scolds. 

"It's obvious that the love-luck thing isn't true." Off adds. "I mean, Ssing and Puimek didn't worked out. Where's the luck in that?" Ssing loudly protests from Off's teasing. Feeling wronged that he ended up being the topic of the conversation. At the table beside them, Fluke and Bouquet Guy — Ohm, peacefully eats. Blissfully unaware of the other group's conversation. 

Once they finished eating, Arm coaxed the younger students to tour the campus with him. Promising them to get as many discounts as they can get from the booths. Gun hears them planning to watch this year's VTalk as they walk away. He can only shake his head in amusement. Arm blends well with them like they're in the same age. He's fantastic.

Off stayed with Gun at the back. They walk to the deserted field hand in hand. Taking satisfaction in the sound of the wind occupying the place. The last time they're here, Gun is so lost. Conflicted over the series of changes that took over his life. Now, with Off by his side — holding him close, he feels grounded. Satisfied with the path that he chose to take. Happy that it lead him to this —  _ to him.  _

At first, they sat on the bench side by side. But Off eventually pulls him to sit between his legs, him leaning at the older's chest as he circles his arms around his body. Gun smiles as he feels Off kissing his temple. His body sinking further to him. 

From where they sit, he can see the back gates. Looking just like the last time he saw it. When the Bouquet Guy walked to it alone. He remembers wishing the guy to finally find what he's looking for. The years of wandering aimlessly coming to fruition. Gun had never believed the rumors surrounding the guy nor does he think that he has something to do with him and Off being together now. The guy is the reflection of how hard it is to wait and knowing that he's not isolated anymore makes Gun's heart happy. It's like seeing a friend grow with him. Them successfully reaching a much-deserved conclusion at the same time. 

Gun can't help but think of Tay and New. He had written the conclusion to their story a few weeks before graduation. He let his best friends, his only readers, to read it before inevitably shelving it. Not quite confident over how it turned out. Still second-guessing even though he'd written the strongest assurance that they'll be together for a long time. Gun was afraid to hold on to that. Yet, the countless days with Off pushes him to slowly believe. Not all love stories ends at happy endings. He's not quite sure what kind of end did he gave to them. 

"Do you think I gave justice to their end?" He murmurs. 

"Who?"

"Tay and New." Gun slowly draws circles to Off's arms. Comfortable with the way the other holds him closer. 

"I think you gave them more than that." He whispers to Gun's ear. "You'd given them something you're also able to give to us in real life."

"And that is?" Gun asks while looking up at him. "A new beginning. Like what we had."

"Just like ours?"

"Just like ours."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's finally done!!
> 
> personally, i wasn't that satisfied by how this whole thing turned out :<< still, i'm glad that this journey had taught me a lot of lessons. lol. 
> 
> special thanks to my friends C & S for supporting me 💚 and to everyone reading this fic, i'm really grateful to each of you. i wouldn't be able to finish this without your support!!


	8. the special chapter no one asked for

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> when i was writing this, i cut many scenes that i felt didn't quite fit the fic. this had been sitting on my drafts, completely forgotten since i finished writing. until recently, i was able to revisit my drafts and found this. i pondered over if i should post this or not since this virtually adds nothing to the story and i doubt anyone is interested in this. but this had nowhere to go so, i'll just post this lol
> 
> [this fic's spotify playlist incase anyone's interested](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2ewS8rLS3n2hYiBoY0EOZX?si=UGbBwlMORbCD-Toou-IdPg&utm_source=copy-linkl%22)

**_Gun and the history behind the Bouquet Guy | Gun's Second Year in Uni_ **

“Woah!” Ssing suddenly exclaims. He’s been distracted for at least ten minutes and at this point, Gun wonders what interesting sight has caught his attention. They should be focused on editing Ssing's History Paper because he'd been helping the younger for months but there aren't visible differences in his works. Part of Gun wants to stop caring so much since he'll get paid even if Ssing didn't listen but he wants his service to be worth paying for. Underlining another sentence, Gun writes _ DOUBLE NEGATIVES!!  _ With his red pen before looking behind him, to where Ssing’s line of sight ends. 

On a faraway bench on the opposite of the field is the Bouquet Guy. Sitting alone under a shade and eating what looks like a Chinese take-out. This is the third time in a row that they’ve crossed paths on the first day of Valentines’ Fair. 

Unimpressed, he turned back to Ssing to give him a stare. "What? Do you need love-luck or something?”

That seems to snap him out of wonder. Looking back at him with an offended glare. “No!” he replies. Indignant. “It’s just...my first time seeing him. I thought he wasn't real.”

“Of course he’s real! There’s a lot of pictures circulating the campus.”

“It can’t be compared to real-life though.” Is what he reasons back. Hands already on his phone to take some pictures. Probably so he could send it to their block gc to brag. After all, to some, the Bouquet Guy is such a legend. 

To Gun though, he’s just a normal guy. He’d seen him the first time he went to the fair. Like him, Gun’s not even a student of the Uni at the time— he's a high school senior. Just another outsider wanting to see how the fair will go that year. Gun also wanted to check out the premises of the campus since it’s one of his options for college. Arm and Off, both already students of the uni volunteers to tour him around. Overly advertising the school in the process. (Gun eventually learns that there are merits if the students manage to recruit new students to enroll.) They are in the process of struggling to take a photo - Off is too tall and Gun’s a tad bit short when the Bouquet Guy passed by them. Holding onto his signature gigantic baby’s breath bouquet. Aimlessly navigating his way to the building. Regardless of how big the flowers are — Off said that it’s almost as tall as Gun making him receive a kick from the latter, the guy doesn’t seem to have problems carrying it around. The three of them could only stare at him partly from awe and surprise. 

“He dresses like you, Jumpol!” Arm exclaims when the guy’s retreating figure disappears among the doors of the building. Off immediately looks alarmed. At that time, he still severely cared over his fashion sense. “He’s tall too! He’s like your doppelganger.” Gun adds to tease him some more. Knowing too well that Off is overtly superstitious. “Maybe he’s here to get you.” Arm sounds so serious. If Gun didn't know his nature, he would have been alarmed too. But he can see the hint of mischief in his eyes so he nods along with Arm’s goading. Pushing Off to the edge. 

“Shut up! He looks nothing like me!” Off tries to reach Arm for a much-deserved smack. His face is a combination of annoyance and fear. Arm swiftly avoids Off’s attempt at revenge, making a face at him and laughing over Off's series of threats. Gun and Arm doubt that Off will really get them later. 

The second Valentine's Fair of the bouquet guy in the Uni, he sat on the table next to Gun’s. They were in the secret cafeteria of the school. It was strategically situated at the back of numerous buildings along the campus and was usually only discovered if you had wandered enough on the uni. Since it is secluded, it was mostly void of freshmen and outsiders. The other students normally don't even have the patience to walk there. Arm and Off always takes him there when their lunchtime aligns. Arm always says that they should eat there because Off is sensitive to crowds when he’s eating. Throughout the duration of their friendship, Gun and Arm ended up learning to adjust over how high maintenance Off is. 

Unlike the first time they'd seen him, the bouquet guy had been significantly known amongst the students. Apparently, he went to all three days of the fair last year. Still with his gigantic flowers on tow, circling the campus repeatedly. The seniors, although clueless about the guy, take advantage of the mystery that surrounds him. Spreading that if you ever came across him when you attended the Valentine's fair, you’ll have love-luck for the year. Some even said that you’ll meet the love of your life. The spoof was deemed effective because the number of visitors doubled that year. 

Arm eyes the guy in what seemed like reverence and amazement. Telling them that he’ll take a picture with him once the man finishes eating his chicken nuggets. Gun was still clueless over the hype since most know that it was only an urban legend. No one had even stepped up claiming the rumors were true. He can’t quite understand why they treat him like a real-life cupid when the guy only looks sad like that. Always alone, seemingly not able to find where the receiver of his flowers is. 

“You want a picture too?” Off suddenly asked. Noticing that Gun had been staring longer than intended. Arm looks at him expectantly. Happy with the prospect of not asking the guy alone. 

“Nah,” he shrugs. “It feels inappropriate. He radiates  _ sad-boi vibes _ .” The other two looks at the guy on cue witnessing him absentmindedly smear ketchup over the rest of his nuggets. His bouquet, sitting next to him to keep him company. Normally, Off would retaliate that everyone radiates  _ sad-boi vibes _ , they all encounter sad days, but this time, he didn’t. Nodding solemnly before going back to his meal. 

Arm ended up not asking for a photo. Claiming that the  _ other sad-bois _ bummed him up. Gun and Off only ignored him. Discussing what they should have for dinner.

A sudden gust of wind takes Gun back to reality. The sound of snapping from Ssing’s camera is audible in the silence. He can’t help but flinch with each snap. 

“You know if you want to take a picture, you should just ask him.” Gun suggests. Eyeing the younger warily. Not the slightest comfortable. Somehow, it feels like a breach of privacy. Especially since the guy hadn’t displayed any appreciation over the way the students treated him. Bouquet Guy looked more inclined to avoid them. “No,” Ssing says but he sets down his phone on the table. “Why?” he probes. 

“It’ll be embarrassing.” Ssing replies pointedly. The response doesn’t settle well with Gun. None of the behaviors of the people for the last three years made sense to him. “But it’s not embarrassing to sneakily take pictures of him?” he counters. “Ever heard of privacy?” Gun stares into his eyes but the younger looks away. Sheepishly getting his phone from the table to keep it in his pocket. “I was just amazed.” This time, Ssing’s voice is laced with shame. 

It’s not like he means to scold the younger so he softly smiles at him. Feeling a bit apologetic because he might have come too strong. “I understand,” he reaches across the table to ruffle his hair. “But remember that he’s not what people claim him to be. He’s not an urban legend. He’s a normal person.” Ssing nods and it makes his smile widen. Although playful in nature, Ssing is actually one of his most obedient students. He’s really nice, he just needs to be guided sometimes. 

“Now, can you stop lecturing me over non-History paper related things, Teacher Gun?” he gestures over the mess of papers on their table. Ssing receives a smack or two. 

***

**_The start of a tradition | Gun's Freshman Year_ **

Gun feels a chill run down his spine. 

He's been sitting inside a nearby grocery store for over minutes now. His back hunched over the table while his eyes are trained outside, laser eye gazes boring holes over the bookstore across. 

He doesn't have any plans to buy anything. Gun counts on the fact that he knows it's Oab's shift tonight. The guy, whom he met at scholarship meetings, is at least nice. He won't force him out despite not being a customer. 

To his surprise, the guy slides a cup of coffee silently in front of him five minutes into his stay there. Oab didn't say anything. He just looked at him with worry, eyebrows furrowed. Gun almost initiated a conversation with him. 

But he didn't. 

He figured that Oab must be busy. Maybe he's stressed too. He's just better at hiding it. They're both scholar students. Exams, especially finals, bring out demons they didn't know exists. It's like their future is riding on the chance that they may fuck up a single exam. 

Gun thinks of the exams as his  _ judgment day _ . A challenge to whether he is worthy of a chance to leave behind the life he tries hard to forget. A single step further to the place where he can call himself free. His dreams slowly nearing 'till its arms hold. 

Maybe that's the reason why he feels as if he's carrying the world on his back whenever it happens. The burden becomes too  _ real,  _ he can feel it physically. Gun's sure that everyone feels the same, he just like reveling in the fact that his situation is different. 

Thus, he let himself be selfish for a few days. 

In his hand is a printed copy of his reviewer. He had obtained it earlier today thinking it'll be easier for him to hold onto something tangible instead of staring at his laptop's screen for a long amount of time. A whole day had passed and even though he's sure that he had run down the topics repeatedly, he still feels like his efforts aren't enough. 

Gun tries to read and memorize again some more. What he gets instead are jumbled letters. The words are swarming chaotically in his mind. It doesn't make sense anymore. With that, he bows his head on the table. Hoping that a few moments of peace will stop the impending headache blooming at the back of his mind. 

"I'm pretty sure that's not an effective way to learn." A teasing voice says in his back. He immediately recognizes who it is even without looking at him. So instead of moving he just says, "Oh, fuck off." With the little left energy he has. 

Off laughs at his annoyed grumble. Somewhere around the store, Arm's loud voice echoed. "Hey ya, Oab." Gun hears him say. 

Gun hears movements around but he keeps his eye shut— no intention of moving. Not even when he feels Off sitting beside him. Their knees bumping to each other in a way that makes him hiss. The older man has annoyingly long legs and Gun can't be bothered to complain about them anymore. 

"Come on," Off whispers almost sickly sweet in his ear. The gesture gives him goosebumps, momentarily distracting him from his sulking. "Are you having a hard time understanding anything?" The other man asks, concern seeping out of his tone. 

Now, Gun may be hardheaded, but he isn't the type to keep others from worrying. He sighs and raises his head. His vision needed time to adjust under the store's bright fluorescent lights but he's still able to knock Off's knees back. Something that probably hurt the guy the same way he does earlier. His frown made it apparent. 

"I'm fine," Gun tells him. He makes sure to make eye contact with the other, knowing that it'll take more than words to assure him. Gun expects Off to drop the subject— he was never pushy. 

But instead, Off reaches out to brush away his hair to keep it from hindering his eyesight. His thumbs lingers a few moments on his forehead, circling over his temple like he's massaging him. Gun nearly closes his eyes at the feeling. 

Yet, Off retracts his hands fast. Seemingly in check of his surroundings. He clears his throat a few times before talking. "Y-your forehead. Did you bump it somewhere by chance? It's red."

_ I did. I banged it on the table a few times  _ is what he answer in his head. 

What Off hears is a curt, "No." It's a tad too short but it maintains Gun's innocence. Something that is enough for this situation. 

"They got new flavors today!" Arm appears from the corner with Oab. In his hands are ice cream popsicles. "You gotta pay for them." Oab reminds him, a bit alarmed seeing Arm open one in the middle of the store. 

"We will," Gun assures him so he can go back to the cash register. 

"I want the mango one!" Off says, not wasting time and snatching the popsicle in Arm's hands. Arm tried to swat him away though his attempts aren't effective. Gun ended up getting the chocolate flavored one. It's not his favorite but it's better than nothing. 

"Why are y'all here?" The youngers questions while he's unwrapping his treat. He moves his papers to the side just in case it gets stained. Unbeknownst to him, his older friends are observing his movements. Both are not sure whether to be worried or amazed at his dedication. 

"Dude," Arm mutters seriously, it makes Gun turn to him, not liking his tone. "It's 3 AM! You haven't been home since this morning. We gotta search for you."

Gun flinches at the scolding but he didn't try to protest. Even if he tries, it's not worth it because no matter what side he looks at, it's his fault. 

"You really have to learn to use your phone. You spent a good amount on it, you at least have to remember to charge it." Off adds, ruffling his hair to make light of the situation. He knows that Gun isn't bummed out by their reminders but he also isn't a stranger to why Gun's been spacing away from them these past few days. 

Gun just get distant when he's sad or stressed. His mind takes off far away that he forgets about the present. 

"Sorry." He replies quietly, unconsciously biting on his ice cream. "I'm just...pressured, I guess? It's  _ finals!  _ I have to do well or else, my scholarship will vanish."

"We understand. We only got worried because we thought you got kidnapped or something. Don't disappear for too long." Arm assures him as he tries to bite on Off's ice cream. The other pushes him with enough force that Oab had to remind them not to knock off the shelves. They end up saying  _ sorry _ simultaneously, hurriedly taking off the convenience store out of embarrassment. 

"It's my first time walking around the neighborhood at midnight." Off notes, looking up the sky to survey the stars twinkling at the pitch-black night. It isn't as scary as he thinks it'll be. The streets are illuminated with street lights and he's walking with his best friends. It created the illusion that he's safe—even when technically, there's a lot of dangers out there. 

"This isn't our first time." Gun shares, he gestures between him and Arm, implying that they already did this before together. 

"What?! When?" 

"Unlike you, we've been to frat parties." Arm explains. 

"Arm told me that since I'm still a first-year, I have to try and have some fun. College just gets  _ worse  _ as years pass." The younger adds, chuckling when Arm nods at him with approval. "The parties end at ungodly hours and Arm refuses to go home unless he's already trashed. It's not like I can leave him there so we walk here at hours like this."

"It's kinda fun though." Arm says before Off can go on about how unsafe it can be for them. "Sometimes sketchy people are loitering around but the  _ silence is everything.  _ I feel like Gun and I had the best conversations like this." Gun elbows him at that statement but he didn't deny it. 

Some days walking at silent nights is the only way they can be honest about themselves and as much as Gun hates being put under the spotlight, his thoughts are in Arm's good hands as always. All he can do is to try to be the same when Arm needs him.

Now that they're having this moment with Off, he feels as if they're complete. In his mind, this is how he pictures what peace is like. Just him and his best friends under the same moonlight. 

"Since when did they do that?" Arm questions suddenly, Off halts in his place while Gun looks around. 

"What?"

"The old park over there. They installed lights."

"Probably to ward off students? From what I heard, some people use that place to do some questionable activities."

"Well, it looks a bit better now. Want to check it out?"

Gun wants to decline Off's offer. It's already midnight. They still have exams tomorrow. He's sure their bodies desperately need rest. But he isn't sure that he can reject him. Not when he's smiling at him expectantly, giddiness obvious by the way his eyes shine. 

When Off's lips wobble, expecting Gun's  _ no,  _ the younger sighs. He should be able to let go for once. As Arm's been saying, he's a first-year. He should enjoy it while it lasts. Before  _ that smile  _ can waver, Gun takes Off's hand and leads him directly to the park. Arm speeds past them, curious more than anything. 

The park is pretty underwhelming inside. Nothing really changed. They just lighted the place. 

"They should've restored this while they're at it." Gun shakes his head in disappointment. There's not much to see inside so he just walks to the swing and sit-in in the middle. Off joins him a few moments after. At first, he seems wary because the swing doesn't look like it can be trusted but between sitting on the patched grass, he chooses the swing wisely. 

When Arm got tired of looking around, he approaches them. 

"Is it okay to sit there?" He asks, cringing when the swing creaks when his friends moves. 

"What do you mean? We're already sitting here. It's fine." Off says unconvincingly. Arm sits on Gun's left anyway. At first, he's scared to put on weight but he relaxes eventually. If he falls, all of them will fall together. That's enough for him. 

They relinquish the silence as they sway side by side. No noise except the creaks of the metal. Gun wonders if any of them is just waiting for a good time to speak or are they just are trapped in their minds as he is? 

"I feel a bit lost." He says out of the blue. He doesn't know where did he got the urge to say it out loud but he doesn't have room to regret it once he did. 

"Same." Arm pipes in. 

"Why?" Off questions. He turns to them, his seat not moving. His expression implores Arm to talk and the silent encouragement appears to break through Arm's hesitation. 

"Sometimes I feel like I didn't have any hobbies? Scratch that. I mean, many times I'll hear both of you talk about the things you are passionate about. And it's kinda cool because your dreams align with each other. But at the same time, it shows how much you could do more. It means you got options if one doesn't work out."

Off and Gun shares a meaningful look. Their minds wandering over those moments. They choose to stay silent, making more room for what Arm's about to say. 

"I've only like one thing. Throughout my life, that's the only thing I wanted to do. Sometimes when I think about it, if I fail, I don't have anything else to turn to. No safety net, no second options. I only want one thing and it scares me how easy it is to lose the chance to have it."

Gun remembers the times he and Arm procrastinate together over an exam or project. Whenever Arm says that he understands him when he gets so  _ different  _ when it comes to anything that involves his future, he always feels as if he deeply understands him. 

Now that he's heard his two cents, he can't help but utter, " _ I understand,"  _ to him. He can only hope that he can return the same intensity those words have when Arm says him to him. 

"One time, I almost cried in front of my professor because my groupmates ditched me and I thought I was going to fail since I can't do it all alone." Arm laughs at Gun's tale. "But you know what he says? He told me that even if I pass this one, I can never avoid having to fail."

"That's weird. Because sometimes we just  _ can't afford  _ to fail." Off interjects. 

"But at the same time, there's some truth to it, isn't it? Sometimes, even when he work hard, we can still fail. There will be a moment that despite an effort, a lesson is the only thing we'll get."

Arm sniffles, unconsciously shivering over the night's cold wind. "Then what's the point of trying?" He asks, sounding defeated. 

"Most of the time when we fail, we think it means it's over for us. But if we really want what we're working hard for, it means it's worth trying again right?" 

"Right."

Gun reaches for Arm's hand, both of theirs are cold but he only held his tighter. "Even if it's one thing you like, all the passion and dedication you put through it is just the same as ours. And I wouldn't be surprised if you get in the future because even against all odds, even if it hurts a little too much, you still strive to take a step further to it."

"I can't top his speech but same, I believe you'll get in someday. Today, there may be doubts in your heart but I know your love for your passion will always prevail." Off adds assurance. 

"Most of the time, you're both annoying. Tonight though, you're doing great." Arm teases them, overwhelmed about how his best friends immediately jumped in action just to reassure him that things are fine. 

"Shut up, ungrateful brat!" Off retaliates— always the offended one. It leaves Gun choking in laughter, already anticipating a battle of nerves between his friends. 

Inside him, a worry dissipates, its space making a place for a memory of this night. The teasing soon transforms into a physical, only no one really hits anyone. They just playfully try to hit even when all they do is a dodge. Despite not having energy left, Gun gets involved eventually. As Gun runs after them, trying his best to chase even one, he wills to himself to remember this exact moment. 

If it isn't overly demanding of him, he hopes that this will happen again. Little did he know, this place will be a home of much more memories like this. 

But for now, he laughs hysterically when Off trips over a twig. His heart, void of loneliness. 

**Author's Note:**

> [scream at me here](https://twitter.com/dandeloniie?s=09)


End file.
